


That which lies beneath

by Aduah



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Chaotic Good, Character Growth, Character Study, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Nihlus Kryik Lives, slow start
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-02
Updated: 2018-10-03
Packaged: 2019-06-20 15:12:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 28,506
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15537009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aduah/pseuds/Aduah
Summary: The Mass Effect story told from the Point of view of Garrus Vakarian and Commander Janey Shepard. With some non-cannon filler fluff, fun and smut thrown in.Shepard struggles with her own insecurities, challenges, anxieties, depression and past. It's up to Vakarian to fill the void and make her whole again.She thinks she's strong, but how strong is she really?.He sees the hidden scars, but can they truly be healed?-----A strong look but a broken soul.Are we what we think are whole?For when what stars and darkness be, For when your path is lost.Find your path to home through me, Survive at any cost.-----





	1. Ch. 1 - Earthborn

**Author's Note:**

> This work of fiction will include Live Action, Flash backs, and Character Journals. Not every chapter will include all three. 
> 
> Additional Author notes and thoughts at the end of each chapter.
> 
> Please visit my art blog to see my various works of art: [aduah-art-dump.tumblr.com](https://aduah-art-dump.tumblr.com)

# Entry 1

**Entry Author:** Cmdr. Janey Shepard  
**Spacedate:** Whatever, 2183

My name is Janey Shepard, Age 29... I think... What am I writing? I already know who I am...

Whatever, I guess I should write it all down. Maybe it will matter someday. Probably not. I'm just another soldier, in a galaxy larger than humanity ever imagined. Heh, larger than I ever thought growing up.

I won't pretend life has been great to me. The streets were rough, lonely. No pity for an orphan. You learned to be tough, cruel, ruthless. You learned to do whatever it takes to keep yourself alive, and secondarily anyone you cared for... If there was anyone. Most don't. After all the only way to survive is to watch your own back. Fight to eat, fight to live as they say. I was used in more ways than I can remember growing up.

I don't remember my parents, didn't even have a name that I could remember. The Reds always called me Jane, the older kids thought it was funny, Jane Doe. It didn't matter if it bothered me. Talk back, get your teeth kicked in. Child or not, once you were a Red you were always a Red. They inspired loyalty through fear. They weren't just petty thieves. Drugs, Trafficking... They... nevermind... it... doesn't matter. I don't want to think about it... Anyway, they used me to find and round up potential buyers. Who would ever suspect a small child, one that could blend in or hide easily. Eventually, they gave me the name Shepard... Another one of their stupid jokes. Somehow it stuck.

Most of my years in the Reds were a blur. There was no climbing the chain of command. If you were smart or clever they made sure none of the other members trusted you. They wanted footmen, that's all they needed.

I probably would have lived that way for the rest of my life. Just a penniless street rat, what other prospects did I have. I'd probably have been dead many years ago. How I survived is an enigma. Enigma… I like that word.  Actually, the one thing that kept me alive was probably that broken omni tool I found, managed to fix it. I may have been poor but I was resourceful.

When I was about 16 or so, it was time to leave. I was tired of being their pawn, their toy. I decided I was going to pinch the credit chit of the first rich looking swell I spotted. Funny thing how the galaxy works. It landed me here. My target ended up being Captain Anderson, he wasn't a Captain back then. Of course, I didn't know who he was. Most swells are dumb, more credits than brains. I was desperate and I knew I had the skills to disappear if I could just get away.

Things went smoothly, or so I thought. The swell, I mean Anderson, had the chit easily accessible in his pocket. When I bumped him it seemed like he didn't even know I had lifted it. He gave no chase and I couldn't believe it. I was overconfident in my escape. I thought the trouble was behind me, instead it was in front of me. I ran right into an ambush of my own, the Reds were looking for me. I fought them the best I could, but I was a skinny kid and a 3 to 1 fight wasn't exactly fair.

Taking the initiative, I kicked the first in the crotch then hooked him right in the temple. He crumpled cold. I managed to sweep the legs of the second, just as a board impacted with my head. The remaining two stomped me till I was bloodied. All I remember after that was begging they not take me back in exchange for the chit I had lifted, then everything went black.

I woke up in an unfamiliar place. A nice place, softer than I was used to. It smelled so sterile, to this day the memory is so vivid. Turns out I was in a medical center, a fancy one. One I hadn't ever seen before. I didn't know how I ended up there, but I was leaving. I didn't belong there and there wasn't any way I could pay for the care. Luckily my things, if you can call them that, weren't far away. Disappearing wasn't hard, even with my injuries. Most medical clinics aren't known for their security, least of which would be keeping someone in. I nicked some medi-gel and vanished.

A few days later I heard about a big bust in the Reds, illegal red sand dealing. Well, that was good for me, now I was the least of their problems. I didn't know it then, turns out Anderson was responsible for that bust, the chit must have been bugged. Clever. Thinking back now there must have been more to it if Anderson was involved.

I was going to spend more time focusing on making sure I was completely healed while figuring out what to do with myself. Didn't have any prospects though. Luckily I learned to read and write on my own, but those weren't skills many lacked in our age.

Another few days after that I was looking for another target. I needed to eat, I was so hungry. That's when I saw him again, he was looking at me, staring straight into my eyes. He was wearing his military uniform that day, I thought I was fucked. I had nicked a credit chit from An alliance officer. Calmly as I could I turned to flee, ducked down an alley and up and across some pipes. He was there in no time at all. I remember him calling after me, telling me to wait. I didn't.

I saw him a lot after that, I couldn't be sure if he had noticed me, but it seemed like he was everywhere. Then one day I turned around and he was behind me like he appeared out of nowhere. Startled I dodged back and bolted as he reached for me calling once again for me to wait. Of course I wasn't going to wait. This time he chased me. I lead him through alleyways, up fire escapes, over obstacles, though people. Damn, he was fast, and I was too weak from lack of nutrition to keep up the chase for long. That's when I decided jail probably at least had food, maybe it was better than starving here on the streets where nobody cared and nobody noticed. Planting my foot I swiveled a gracefully as I could, staring him down defiantly. I hadn't considered that he was still moving and we nearly collided.

The bastard was grinning. Maybe I shouldn't call him that, after all, he is my commanding officer now. He enjoyed that chase far too much. Heh, Anderson… Good man. Tough son of a bitch.

Somehow all these years later I still remember this with perfect clarity. He said to me “You got a lot of pluck kid. A lot of skill too no doubt. The Alliance military could use someone like you.”

I stared at him with probably the most ridiculous looking expression on my face and remember spitting out “Of course the alliance could _use_ me, I'm sure they would _use_ whoever they could.” To this day I don't know why I responded that way, I had no special hate for the military or any law enforcement official. They were only doing their jobs, and I was too quick to be caught anyways, till now.

He just stood there, crossed his arms and raised a brow. “Whats your name kid?” he asked me.

Embarrassingly, just then my stomach growled. Traitorous stomach. I was annoyed, I didn't have a name, not really. All I had was what the Reds called me. “Shepard” it was the only thing I had.

“Shepard, huh?” He flipped a credit chit at me then turned and walked away. Over his shoulder he called. “Get yourself cleaned up, Shepard, I'll see you at the recruitment station”

I called after him, “I haven't agreed to anything!”

He just waved over his shoulder, “Don't keep me waiting.” Smug bastard.

I made him wait, I debated it for a week, in the end I decided it was the best opportunity I had. Probably the best opportunity I'd ever have. How else was I going to pull myself out of that hell. If the only options I had in this life was to be a pawn, well at least I'd be a pawn with reliable food and a bed.

Ugh, this is getting long, I think I’ll just stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really wanted to set the tone for how Commander Shepard starts the series. She isn't some superhuman, who lived a great life and for posterities sake will now save the galaxy. She's human, just like the rest of us. Her past defines her, but it doesn't constrain her.
> 
> Feel free to leave me comments and tell me how you think I'm doing. Good or bad. Comments are appreciated.


	2. Ch. 2 - Training

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work of fiction will include Live Action, Flash backs, and Character Journals. Not every chapter will include all three. 
> 
> Additional Author notes and thoughts at the end of each chapter.
> 
> Please visit my art blog to see my various works of art: [aduah-art-dump.tumblr.com](https://aduah-art-dump.tumblr.com)

“Hey doc” Nonchalantly Commander Shepard wandered into the med bay and relaxed against one of the medical tables. It hadn’t been long since the Normandy started her shakedown run headed for Eden Prime. It was an unexpected honor, and an unexpected burden being elevated to the position of commander and assigned as the chief executive officer on a System Alliance Frigate. Frankly, she didn’t know how to feel about it. Not really. Sure she was a veteran of conflict, The Skyllian Verge, Torfan, life in general. Sure, she’d lead troops into battle and held a lot of responsibility, but something didn’t feel right about this mission. A simple shakedown run with an council spectre on board. Not just any spectre... Nihlus Kryik. She didn’t actually know much about Spectres, only the brief bits most people knew. She never made a point to inquire specifically. They were council appointed, practically above the law. They usually worked alone or in small groups to protect galactic stability. She wasn't sure if she was ready for whatever was happening, but It seemed much bigger than was being let on. Anderson hadn’t led her astray so far.

“Commander Shepard” Dr. Chakwas looked up from the desk where she was flipping through crew medical reports. “Is there something I can help you with?”

Pushing herself into a sitting position onto the table Shepard paused a moment, looking around as if hesitating. “Just felt like talking, do you have a minute?” she asked still not really looking in Dr. Chakwas’ direction. _Damn,_ she thought. _Why did I even come in here?_

Dr. Chakwas closed the file she was looking at, rotating herself in her chair to fully face the commander. “Of course, something on your mind Commander?” She studied Shepard’s behavior sharply, intently “Is everything ok?”

“Hmm? Yea, No problems here.” More quickly than she should have Shepard stood, shifting foot to in a nervous manner before turning to leave. “I should go.”

Dr. Chakwas raised both brows in an expression of concern. “Commander…” Shepard stopped. “I don't want to be out of line, but I’ve never really cared much alliance regulations anyways. All those stuffed shirts think they know how a doctor should interact with her patients… Something seems to be on your mind. I’m all ears.”

Shepard stopped in her tracks, letting out a puff of unexpected laughter, almost just a rasp of air. She turned back to Dr. Chakwas with a lopsided grin on her face, leaning back against the table again arms crossed, still closed off but a little more disarmed. “You know, I think I like you doc. Somehow I didn’t peg you for a free spirit. How did you end up on an alliance frigate?”

“Oh you know how it goes, I enlisted right out of med school. Earth always seemed boring to me… too safe, to secure. I figured the colonies were teeming with exotic adventure. I wanted to travel the stars,” Smiling to herself she leaned back in her chair a bit, her face becoming distant for a moment like she was reliving a memory. “tending the wounds of tough soldiers with piercing eyes and sensitive souls.” Her eyes came back into focus as she looked back at Shepard and gave an amused chuckle. “Turns out military life isn’t quite as romantic as I imagined.”

Shepard relaxed against the table again letting her hands fall to support her now slightly sagging body as she sightlessly stared at the ceiling of the med bay. “I’ve never really been under such illusions.” After a moment of silence, she looked back to Dr. Chakwas who seemed to be studying her with a degree of concern. “You ever regret it? Ya know, staying in the military?”

“Regret? No. Every once in a while I think about opening a private practice back on earth or on one of the colonies, but there’s something special about working on soldiers. If I left the alliance now, I’d feel like I was abandoning them.” She leaned forward a bit. “What about you Commander?”

Shepard blinked several times. “What about me?”

“Don’t play coy with me, commander. I told you about this old lady, how about you tell me something about you?”

“Ah, I see. So that's the angle, huh Doc. Tell people about you and they bare thier soul? Alright, I’ll play the game.” There was suddenly a distant glint to her eyes before her face became hard as she shrugged. “There isn’t much to tell. Orphan, lived on earth, joined the alliance when I was 16, worked my ass off to get where I am. You most likely know my military history. Now I’m here.”

Dr. Chakwas could tell by the changed expression on Shepard’s face that there was more to the story and more to her coming to the med bay. Life experiences taught her when to push and when to relent. After a moment or two of awkward silence, Shepard piped up again. “I, uh…” She looked around awkwardly before scratching the back of her head. “So… This may sound a bit silly… I actually started to write about my past. I’m not really sure why.” she added hastily. “The other day I just kind of felt like writing, but I didn’t know what I wanted to write… Eh, nevermind. It's dumb.”

“Not at all. It’s rather pragmatic, not a bad practice to have. There are a lot of people who record their thoughts in one way or another, helps keep them sharp. Even I do it from time to time. ”

“Huh, You think it helps?”

“Commander, I’m not a psychologist. I’m a medical doctor, but, In times of stress, it can be useful to just write down your thoughts and then read them. It can help you come to a new perspective in troubling times. You can often come to answers to things you never knew were questions.”

Shepard crossed her arms again with an amused expression on her face. “You worried about my mental health, doc?” Making light of a heavy conversation was always her defense mechanism. Other emotions hurt too much, though she’d probably never admit it to herself.

Dr. Chakwas looked contemplative and after a brief period she smiled almost wistfully. “You never know what tomorrow brings.”

 

 

 

# Entry 2

**Entry Author:** Cmdr. Janey Shepard  
**Spacedate:** Whatever, 2183

I told Doc Chakwas I was doing this, you know, writing my thoughts down. She thought it was pragmatic. I thought she might think it silly. I told her I was surprised that she didn’t think it was, But she said to me, “Commander, I’m not a psychologist. I’m a medical doctor, but, In times of stress, it can be useful to just write down your thoughts and then read them. It can help you come to a new perspective in troubling times. You can often come to answers to things you never knew were questions.”  
  
When I jokingly asked her if she was worried about my mental health, her face changed. It was almost sad. She said, “You never know what tomorrow brings.”

I thought about it for a while after that. About what she said. I don’t usually think hard about things, I’d rather not. It's just easier, less painful. But when I really thought about it, I think she’s right. I felt ridiculous writing that last entry, I still feel ridiculous. Somehow, I feel a bit better. Heh, shitty past off my chest. That's how it works, right? Write it down, forget it happened.

I suppose then its time to write off the rest of my history.

Hmmm, Where was I? Oh, right… me. Umm… Alliance military…

After Anderson got me into the military, likely by some ridiculous recommendation, I had to take an aptitude test. Reading, writing, galactic history, physical, biotic and technical. It was pretty much the worst. I told Anderson as much. He kept encouraging me. For some reason, he always stayed in contact. He probably wanted to keep an eye on me. I’m sure he wanted to make sure I didn’t get out of line...

I can’t say the results were promising. I’m sure they reflected badly on Anderson since he recommended me. I was put into ‘remedial’ courses. Anderson said it wasn’t uncommon for soldiers who were orphans their entire life.

Unlike spacers, we apparently didn’t know enough about “Galactic Races & History”, “Decorum and Customs”, etc. They also didn’t much agree with my sense of discipline, or lack thereof. Wasn’t much of a team player, I just wanted to get shit done. My ears still itch from how many times I was chewed out.

My physical assessment was rated barely passable, though my stamina and flexibility were rated very highly above average. They were also concerned about my weight. Suppose it's not surprising given my life thus far.

As far as biotics goes, well apparently there was some potential but they wanted to implant me with an L3. I told them they could shove it up their ass. I got 3 months shit duty for that. It was totally worth it for the look on their faces though.

Thier biggest surprise was my tech results. They kept throwing tests at me, I kept acing them. Well except for those drive and engineering theory classes. I couldn’t care less. Though it only took hacking their systems about a dozen times before they started blaming all their technical difficulties on me. Asshats. Just because I hacked their computers with ‘all your base are belongs to us’ and a couple of dancing bananas doesn’t mean that it was always me. I plead the fifth. Pretty sure they thought ‘gifs’ didn’t even exist anymore. Heh.

When they started actually sorting us for specialized training, I was put into cyber warfare class. Big fucking surprise. Cyber troops got minimal combat training. Initially, they refused to let me participate in any physical training based on my physical aptitude test. It didn’t matter how much I cajoled. One day they got a mysterious official transmission from Admiral Hackett, requesting I be granted to participate in physical and arms training. I plead the fifth.

Much to their surprise I actually held up pretty well in hand to hand combat, as long as I didn’t get hit. I was fast, flexible. Could dodge and weave like a pro, my hits were fairly hard hitting too. They didn’t like the dirty fighting though. Well, street habits die hard.

Weapons training was a mixed bag. First time I fired a shotgun I nearly knocked my shoulder out. Assault rifle wasn’t much better. Turns out I wasn't bad with pistols, but I was even better with a sniper rifle. I was a crack shot. They were a little heavy at first, but I adapted. I was also quite good at disappearing. We often had training skirmishes, I was usually in the trees, rocks, anywhere I couldn’t be seen easily. I’m proud to say my teams never lost a skirmish, even if I was the last man standing (or sniping). When we had our second-year evaluation I was designated part of the Infiltrator class.

Through the years, I managed earned the respect of most of my fellow soldiers and officers. A lot of them found me ‘scrappy’, ‘determined’, ‘relentless’, ‘driven’... what else... I was called ‘hillarious’ a few times… I think that was mainly from the cyber warfare squad. In contrast, I think I pissed some people off since I heard ‘annoying’, ‘indecorous’ and ‘impatient’ a few times. Well, more than a few times. Some of them didn’t like that I didn’t like to follow regs. I might have told them to pull the stick out of their asses once or twice. I'm sure that didn't help their opinion of me.

Even still, somehow I was recommended for Interplanetary Combatives Training Program (ICT), Some people call it the N-School. Getting the N1 designation wasn’t really hard. We trained for more than 20 hours a day and had to lead small combat groups through ‘hostile’ terrain with little food or sleep. Compared to life on the street, that was a breeze.

When we started N2-N5 training I was completely out of my element. It was the 1st time I had been off world. I hadn’t even been on a station before that. We had to train in zero-G combat, freefall, and parachuting, jetpack flight (that was fun), combat driving (That was less fun, who even designed that vehicle?), more combat instruction (weapons and martial arts), linguistics and frontline trauma care. All in all, I actually had a blast. I felt like maybe, just maybe, there was something I could do with this pathetic excuse for a life of mine.

Earning N6 required actual combat experience planetside throughout the galaxy. We were involved in a lot of small skirmishes. Small hostilities, pirates especially, that threatened alliance supply lines. Pretty much anything that was important to alliance brass.

To get our N7 designation we had to prove our skill in, how did they say it, ‘an admirable and effective fashion’ in combat. I earned mine during the Skyllian Blitz. It was a hard way to earn your rank. Though we drove the Batarians off-world, Too many civilians died that day…I may have... a lot of disdain for humanity but those people on Elysium didn’t deserve to die.

We took our revenge on Torfan. I may have earned my N7 in the verge, but Torfan cemented my reputation.  A lot of soldiers died on Torfan… I... but we… We made sure… not a single one of those bastards made off that planet alive. They call me ruthless, They called me the “Butcherer of Torfan”... They still do sometimes.

Its been 5 years since then… I still hear about it a lot. ‘I heard what you did on Torfan’... People see it as Impressive, I see it as...

I gotta go, We’re approaching the Arcturus Prime relay soon….

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Continuing exploring Janey's past, getting a small indication whats under that hard exterior.
> 
> Feel free to leave me comments and tell me how you think I'm doing. Good or bad. Comments are appreciated.


	3. Ch. 3 - Eden Prime Approach

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work of fiction will include Live Action, Flash backs, and Character Journals. Not every chapter will include all three. 
> 
> Additional Author notes and thoughts at the end of each chapter.
> 
> Please visit my art blog to see my various works of art: [aduah-art-dump.tumblr.com](https://aduah-art-dump.tumblr.com)
> 
> \--

“Arcturus prime relay is in range... initiating transmission sequence… we are connected. Calculating transit mass and destination. The relay is hot. Acquiring approach vector. All stations secure for transit.” The ship coms broadcast as the Normandy approached the relay. You could hear the joy in Jokers voice. Shepard couldn’t think of another pilot alive who would be so happy to fly this ship.

Quickly Shepard made her way to the front of the ship, nimbly brushing past crew members on the CIC. “Commander,” They’d say as she brushed by, “At ease,” she’d say without breaking her stride. Arriving behind the pilot's chair, just as Joker initiated the transmission she glanced at Nihlus with a raised brow before turning her attention back to the viewing screen.  

“The board is green, approach run has begun. Hitting the relay in 3-2-1.” Joker announced as they approached the relay. All these years and Shepard still couldn’t get over the near instantaneous travel to another system via the mass relays.

Joker continued to monitor the ship vitals as they arrived on the other side of the relay.  They didn’t explode or burn up in transit. “Thrusters, check. Navigation, check. Internal emissions sync engaged. All systems online. Drift…. Just under 1500k.” Everything seemed to be in good order, Shepard was impressed, though she shouldn’t be surprised, after all, the design of the Normandy was a joint venture between the Turian and Human militaries.

“1500 is good, Your captain will be pleased.” Nihlus turned to leave the cockpit.

Joker waited until Nihlus was out of earshot. “I hate that guy.” Shepard couldn’t help but chuckle.

In the seat over from Jokers, there was a little huff. “Nihlus just gave you a compliment, soooo, you hate him.” Scorn was written on Lieutenant Alenko’s face.

She glanced over at Lieutenant Alenko and rolled her eyes, but he wasn’t looking at her he was looking at Joker. Shepard remembered faces like that when she was in training. Faces that say I’m better than you. Not a good first impression for Alenko. She turned back to Joker.  “Hate him, or Hate Turians?”

“Him, I don't like Spectres, they’re trouble.” Joker shifted in his seat a little to look over his shoulder.

Shepard grinned and was satisfied in the assessment that their helmsman wasn’t xenophobic. She liked Joker, he had a lot of spirit. After hearing about how about how he became the helmsman of the ship, she couldn’t help but like him. Man, she wished she could have been there to see it. Locking the assigned pilot in a shuttle, then hijacking the ship, avoiding Turian fire, and still completing the course in a time that was faster than was expected was an impressive feat. She could see why Anderson would want him at the helm. Captain Anderson had a way of finding… Interesting people. Including her.

She placed her hand on Jokers shoulder in a sign of goodwill. “They don’t just assign Spectres on a shakedown run. But I wouldn’t worry too much about Nihlus, It's not like he’s going to steal your job. Great flying Joker, I’m impressed.”

Joker nodded at the Commander then turned to Alenko. “There’s more going on here than the Captain’s letting o--”

Before Joker had a chance to finish his statement his com lit up. “JOKER! Status report.” It was Captain Anderson sounding as commanding as he always did.

“Just cleared the mass relay Captain, stealth systems engaged, everything looks solid.”

“Good, find a com buoy and link us into the network. I want mission reports relayed back to alliance brass before we reach Eden Prime.”

“Aye-aye Captain. Better brace yourself sir, I think Nihlus is headed your way.”

“He's already here lieutenant. Tell Commander Shepard to meet me in the com room for a debriefing.” There was a tense edge to Captain Anderson’s voice. Shepard wasn’t sure why, but she was sure she would find out shortly. The whole crew seems to have been on edge since the shakedown run started. Several of the crew members didn’t like a Turian on board, a spectre, Nihlus...

Joker rolled his eyes. “You get that commander?”

“Greeeat, you pissed the captain off and now I'm gonna pay for it.”

“Don't blame me, that captains always in a bad mood.”

She let a hint of joviality into her voice. “Only with you Joker, only with you.”

Along her way through the CIC toward the coms room she didn’t like what she heard. There were too many among the crew that openly spoke about how they didn’t like a Turian on board. Some of it was general xenophobia, from others it was lingering resentment from the first contact war. That was 26 years ago. It was still a bit raw for some of the older members of the crew. _I’m going to have to address this with Anderson,_  she thought. _The last thing we need is a rift in the crew._

As she approached the com room she heard Corporal Jenkins speaking to Dr. Chakwas. “I’m itching to see some real action.”

Shepard stopped and turned to Jenkins. “Just treat this mission like every other mission and everything will be fine.”

“That's easy for you to say, Commander, you proved yourself on Torfan. Everyone knows what you can do.”

A hard glint appeared in Shepard’s eye as she worked her jaw in a subconscious manner. _Torfan, again. Always Torfan_. she fumed silently. “This mission isn’t for personal glory corporal. Combat isn’t pretty.” Her voice held an edge that many of the crew weren’t used to hearing from her, almost unconsciously they all stood a little straighter.

Quickly Jenkins snapped to attention and saluted. “Aye-aye Commander.” She just nodded and continued to the com room.

That exchange had soured her mood, she knew she had a reputation. She couldn’t escape it. She’d wished she still had the reputation she’d had when she was 16 and just entered the military. No one relied on her back then. Her actions often inspire awe from people, her will to see the job finished. They admired her tenacity. They saw her as a hero… Others saw it in the opposite light. Too many soldiers lost their lives. Too many soldiers died because of her.

As she entered the com room she expected to see Captain Anderson, instead it was Nihlus… alone. Immediately she crossed her arms with a scowl on her face and leaned back on one foot. “Nihlus”

Nihlus turned to face her. The look on his face conveyed that he was amused and not at all surprised by her expression. “Ah, Commander Shepard. I was hoping you would arrive first. This will give us a chance to talk.”

She just stared at him before blinking slowly. “Talk? Isn't that what the extranet is for? I wondered why I didn’t get a message back from you a few days ago.” Raising her brows in an expression of annoyance she continued “Why didn’t you tell me you were going to be on the Normandy?”

His eyes glittered “What, and ruin the…” he paused “... Surprise?” he made a small arch with his hands. His voice wavered and his mandibles quivered slightly as if he were holding back laughter. His subvocals roared.

She closed her eyes and a small laugh escaped despite her best effort to remain cross with him. “Ass”

“So glad you remember my name, Commander Shepard.” His mandibles flared and he grinned showing all his sharp teeth.

She opened her eyes again and couldn’t help laughing, all her previous annoyance melted away. “Don’t you Commander Shepard me, _Spectre Kryik_ ”

He made a sharp hissing sound as he inhaled air suddenly and drew his hands to his to his torso. “ Oh, you wound me so.”

“Pft, Don’t make me call you an ass again… Ass…” She crossed her arms again with a grin on her face.

“Oh come on, you can do better than that Shep. Where’d all that famed originality go?”

“It got lost in the extranet along with your reply to my last message.” Her face slowly changed from playful defiance to genuine fondness.

She was never good at making friends, she wasn’t nearly as outgoing as she let on. It took a special kind of persistence, obstinance or obtuseness to get through her wall. Nihlus embodied all and more. Its probably why he was counted among her very few friends, maybe even her only. They’d been friends for nearly 5 years. Not many people knew about her childhood, the brutal details. Somehow Nihlus managed to get it all out of her, he could relate. And he respected her resilience. He probably knew more about her than she did, the things about her she refused to see. He didn’t have many close friends himself. The life of a spectre can be a lonely path.

Having been born in a mercenary outpost outside of Hierarchy space, and being forced into military service when he was 16 by his mother after his father died, Nihlus never really got along well with other Turian Military types. In a way, they were two of a kind, two outcasts forcibly pushing their way through life, with sheer willpower alone.

“Its good to see you Nih. If you can be serious a moment, yes, yes I know its hard…”

“I am always serious” He interrupted with fake indignation.

She rolled her eyes. “...What are you doing on the Normandy?”

“Perhaps it's better if we wait for…” At that moment the coms room doors opened and Captain Anderson stepped in. “Captain Anderson.”

Nihlus’s brow plates raised and his mandibles flared as he smirked at Shepard. Quickly she snapped to attention from her smiling relaxed position, “Captain Anderson, Sir.”

“Nihlus, Commander Shepard, Am I interrupting something?” He had a curious look on his face, looking between the two of them.

“Not at all, Captain. The commander and I are already acquainted.” Nihlus said with a straight face all the amusement gone back to strictly business.

Anderson contemplated this for a second. “I suppose it makes more sense as to why He’s recommended you to the council to become a spectre.”

Shepard’s jaw went slack, and despite herself, she turned to Nihlus. “Nihlus, You _what?!_ ” Regaining herself she turned back to Anderson with a confused look on her face. “Captain?”

It was Anderson’s turn to raise a brow at her reaction. “The human delegation has been trying to get a human spectre for years, This is the best opportunity we have.”

She wrinkled her forehead. “Permission to speak freely, sir?”

He waved his hand, “Of course Shepard, You’re always allowed that with me.”

She turned to Nihlus, then back to the captain. Another sidelong glance at Nihlus, before addressing them both equally. “Why me?”

Nihlus spoke up. “I’ve studied your various records and reports, specifically at the Skyllian Verge and extensively at Torfan.” He noticed her shoulder twitch ever so slightly at the mention of Torfan. It was so minute that Anderson wouldn’t have noticed. It set his subvocals in a remorseful tone. “Its the kind of fierce grit a spectre needs to have.” He nearly said ruthless tenacity, but he knew Shepard thoughts about the events on Torfan. He didn’t learn all the dirty details from piles of reports. He learned directly from her, usually through many drunken nights.

“Your thoughts captain?” She said turning from Nihlus to Anderson.

“I think it's an incredible opportunity to prove yourself to top brass and show the counsel humanity isn’t something they should underestimate. Nihlus will be with us for several missions to evaluate you and will then forward his recommendation to the council.”

Nihlus smirked to himself, Shepard was someone that no one should ever underestimate. Especially herself.

She glanced at Nihlus sensing his amusement then back to Anderson, “And Eden Prime?”

“Scientists on Eden Prime have discovered a Prothean artifact, We’re going to transport it back to the citadel. Last time a discovery like this was made it advanced our technology 200 years.”

“Why wasn’t I told about this, sir?”

“Orders from the top, information was to be given out strictly on a need to know basis.”

Joker came onto the coms. “Incoming video transmission coming from Eden Prime Captain.”

Shepard’s face changed, her lips molded into a grim line. What they saw coming from Eden Prime wasn’t pretty. There wasn’t supposed to any combat on this mission, something had gone horribly wrong, and it had something to do with that beacon, she just knew it.

She looked to Anderson and Nihlus whos own faces mirrored hers in their own way. “What’s the plan when we drop?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made Nihlus a cute but snarky ass. I can't help it. I just love depicting him like this. The cannon in my head just cant see him any other way.
> 
> Feel free to leave me comments and tell me how you think I'm doing. Good or bad. Comments are appreciated.


	4. Ch. 4 - Nihlus

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work of fiction will include Live Action, Flash backs, and Character Journals. Not every chapter will include all three. 
> 
> Additional Author notes and thoughts at the end of each chapter.
> 
> Please visit my art blog to see my various works of art: [aduah-art-dump.tumblr.com](https://aduah-art-dump.tumblr.com)
> 
> \--  
> 

*Explicit Content Warning*

  
 _(If explict sexual content isn't your thing you can pretty much skip this chapter without losing too much)_  


  
  


* * *

Nihlus stood waiting for their arrival to Eden Prime, lost in thought.

A lot had happened over the last five years, but he was never surprised by Shepard’s reactions anymore. A lot of people called her unpredictable, thinking she does everything on a whim. No, she had a pattern. A very clear pattern. She gets irritated when she’s out of the loop. She’s strongly loyal to those who earn her respect and the nightmare to anyone who crosses her, including an odd sense of Justice. Probably from the time she spent in her youth. Too many take her off duty persona as her first one. A bit wild, care-free but she embodied strength.

He sighed, the problem was she didn’t see it, even though those around her did. She was all too sure the doubt, the pain, and the guilt defined her.

No matter how she saw herself, when she let go of all the crap she shone. He remembered all too clearly the first night they met.

* * *

_Five years earlier_

 

“Yoou wanna repeat tha’, turiannn?” Shepard blinked a few times trying to focus on the subject to whom she spoke. She thought she was speaking evenly, but even to her, the sound was lagged.

“I said you drink well for a human female.” Nihlus leaned up against the bar, clearly amused by the display in front of him. He hadn’t drunk as much as she had, but he was well buzzed.

“Yeaaa? Well, I ken fight well fer uh human female too.” She staggered to her feet. “You” She pointed to herself, “Me” She pointed to him. “Jui---” she stuttered as if her tongue couldn’t form words correctly. “Jui-- Jistu right now.” she pointed to the ground.

“Jui Jistu?”

“No, no, JUI-JIT-SU” This time she enunciated correctly. “Human martial art focused on forcing your opponent into submission” Shepard smirked. “Don’ worry, no holds barred.”

As Shepard squared up the bartender yelled. “Hey, no fighting in the bar. You wanna fight, do it elsewhere.”

Nihlus shrugged putting down his mug. “I know a place that has private pits. We’ll take it there.” He paid his tab, then hers without a second thought. He stepped behind her putting his hand on the small of her back, easily directing her out of the bar into the cool night air.

 _How does this skinny human think she can beat me?_ He mused. As they made their way to the pits Nihlus spoke up “You got a lot of guts wanting to take on me on, short stuff.”

The cool air and the walk cleared her head a little. “Short? I'm 5’11” that's pretty tall for a human.” Shepard snickered to herself, even though her opponent was a fair bit taller and huskier than her, her advantage in jiu jitsu was her size compared to his.

When they reached the pit Nihlus paid the attendant for a private pit, emphasizing ‘private’. There was to be no betting, no observers. “So what are the rules of this Jui Jitsu again?” he asked as he opened the door for her and they entered the room.

Slowly she walked to the center of the room discarding her boots at the entrance and squared up. “Don't worry about it, no rules, just come at me.“

Nihlus did the same, noting the sharper look in her eyes that had replaced the haze. “Alright,” he shrugged and tentatively lunged at her. He was surprised at the speed that she had him on the ground.

Shepard stood back up and offered him a hand. “That one’s free, don't underestimate this ‘short’...” she said with air quotes. “...human female again. Now, come at me like you mean it.”

Nihlus was intrigued, but unconvinced. He lunged at her again and she danced under his arms.

“Come on big guy, don't tell me that's all you got.” She cracked her neck.

He lunged again, but once more she dodged out of his reach. He growled in irritation, his mandibles flared. “I thought you wanted to fight, not dance.”

She paused as she watched his face, almost in fascination. As if she’d never seen a mandible before. “Can those things be torn off?” Her filter was clearly still a bit broken.

“What?”

“Those things on the side of your face.”

He raised his hand and touched one of his mandibles then drew his brow plates together. “Are you insane?”

She shook her head, obviously still in a bit of a drunken haze. “If your done dancing now big guy.”

He looked at her in dismay. “That's my lin-- Ooof”

She didn't give him a moment to finish as she took him down into a mount. She took too long with her triumphant smirk because he rolled her quickly to reverse the mount. He too didn't have time to triumph because quickly she slipped from beneath him and had him in an armbar.

Nihlus let out a noise of surprise, despite his best effort he couldn't break the bar, she was using her whole body to leverage his arm back. “You're going to break my arm.” He bit out.

She released his arm and sat back, “I told you, submission. Next time if it's too much, tap out.” She demonstrated by tapping her arm 3 times. “As long as I can feel it, I’ll let go.”

He wasn't convinced before, but now he was. He was intrigued by her strength and skill. _Time to take this a little more seriously_ , he thought. She obviously wasn't some untrained colonist.

Try after try, he thought her bested. But he ended up in a wrist lock, kneebar, heel hook. This time somehow she managed to get her arms around his neck. She was sweating, her shirt was soaked and her breasts were shoved up into his face. If the hold on his neck didn't suffocate him surely her wet shirt would. He tapped out.

She let go, sitting back still in the mount position. “That one was called the front naked choke. Speaking of which…” she stripped off her soaked over shirt leaving a thin N7 tank top in its stead. “Its damn hot in here.” She clearly didn't see him as a threat.

N7, he recognized that designation. Human special forces. Creme of the crop. He was thoroughly impressed with her. Not as a female, not as a human, but as a fighter and strangely he felt himself start to become aroused. “Naked, huh?” He said absentmindedly as he watched sweat drip down her neck. Such an odd thing to witness for him since turians didn’t sweat, he suddenly found himself wondering what it would taste like. Did humans find touching their necks intimate as turians do?

She made to stand but he grabbed her hips and pulled her back down on him. Maybe a little harder than he had intended because she came tumbling forward on top of him, her eyes inquisitive but still unalarmed. It was either his growing erection, or the desire in his eyes that that cause her eyes to mirror his. He’d never had the desire to bed a human female before, but then again he’d never been so thoroughly thrashed by one either. He had no idea if he even could, but from the look in her eyes, she was as eager to find out as him.

He leaned forward sticking his tongue out, gently following the line of her neck where he saw her sweat. _Salty_ . He thought. He wondered if that's what the rest of her tasted like.  Her sharp intake of breath followed by a soft sigh was all the cue he needed to understand she was enjoying what he was doing. Encouraged, he ran his tongue down her collarbone and between her breasts, another thing turian women didn’t have. Fascination lead him to wonder what they felt like in his hands. With brazen confidence, he palmed the swell of her breasts and leaned forward bringing his face to her neck. Soft. The knowledge that this woman, smaller and _softer_ than anything he’d ever fought, brought him to the ground only fueled him harder.

Her head arched back as his tongue slipped back out, and her legs tightened around his waist letting out a barely audible moan, nearly low enough to be considered subvocal. He felt her nipples harden under his palm, he was intrigued. _A sexual organ on the chest?_  Lightly at first, he ran his fingers over her nipple, when he felt her growing heat as her legs squeezed around him again he took a step further squeezing it between his thumb and finger.

She let out a pleasured cry and gazed down at him, in a voice heavy with desire she urged  “Are you just going to play with it big guy?”. That was all the invitation he needed. He pushed her top and bra up and lavished her pebble like nipple with his tongue. As she bucked on top of him he grunted. His pants were becoming a problem. They were far too tight to hold his now fully erect member.

As if recognizing his problem she crawled off of him with a smug grin.  Wantonly she ran her palm down the firm ridge in his trousers. “Maybe not so different from humans after all.”

He nearly hissed, his subvocal exploded with need. His mandibles twitched. He moved to free himself but she slapped away his hands with a most sultry look. “Oh no you don’t, You had your fun. Now I get mine.”

In an almost torturously slow manner, she undid his pants. With the release, he sprung forth. “Plum” She mused aloud as she ran her inexperienced hand the length of his shaft. It was bumpy and ridged. He groaned with a steely lustful look in his green eyes, repeating her words back to her. “Are you just going to play with it?”

She had the nerve to smirk with a quick quirk of her brows. “Maybe”. She wrapped her hand around it and stroked slowly at first. Her velvety fingers exploring his every crease before she picked up the pace. His natural secretions making it easy for her hand to slide up and down the length of him. “Hmm, I wonder if it tastes like plum as well.” He didn’t have time to consider her statement as she took him into her mouth without any hesitation.

“What are--nng” he made a throaty sound as he threw his head back involuntarily. He’d been with plenty of partners but never had any of them done this. She explored him with her pillowy tongue. The way she rolled she tongue over the ridges felt like nothing he’d ever experienced.

What was she doing to him? He could hardly think. He needed to change the situation before he lost his cool.  Through the hazy fog, he recalled her mentioning that maybe humans and turians weren’t so different. Worth a shot. Smoothly he pulled her away from her self-given task as he stood, drawing her along with him.

Unsheathing his talon ever so slightly he traced his fingers under her shirt up her waist then back down following her pants line, the other hand caressing her breast in a motion her body hinted she enjoyed. With a simple skilled flick, the button on her pants released and her baggy pants slid to the ground.

Retracting his talons, he moved his hand to the junction between her legs. He was astonished by heat and the moisture, she was soaked right through the thin fabric. It had become quite clear that she was ready for him but he wasn’t going to give either of them that satisfaction quite yet. Lifting her slightly up he spun and backed her up against the pit wall. He pressed the full length of his torso and hips up against her, felt her uneven breath against his fringe. He pulled his hips away again to replace his hand, pushing the fabric to the side, he ran a finger along her wet opening. _Not so different indeed._ _Wetter perhaps._ He nipped her neck and ran his tongue along her jaw.

It was just then noticed a singular nub. As he ran his finger over it her knees buckled and she nearly slipped from beneath him. His subvocals hummed in surprise and triumph as he shoved his knee between her legs to keep her from sliding.

He traced her lips with his tongue as he traced her opening with his finger, coming back to that bundle of nerves, relishing every time she twitched when he stroked over it, giving him a strong heady sensation.

“Tease,” She whimpered throatily.

He took the opportunity to slip his tongue into her mouth. He explored her smooth flat teeth before pushing beyond. She didn’t hesitate to engage his tongue with hers.

He slipped his finger inside and she pulled her head back with a breathy gasp, rocking into his hand. He stroked her insides with his long finger, feeling her muscles contract around it. He groaned. He couldn’t wait anymore.

When he lifted her she wrapped her legs around him, the length of him pressed up against swollen clit. He shifted back slightly positioning himself at her entrance placing his forehead against hers. He stared into the depths of her desires, slowly lowering her onto him. She enveloped him tightly. He could feel the tension and impatience ripple through her, so he abandoned the slow methodical and plunged himself into her depths.

She let out a sharp hiss. “Shit. Are you--” he rumbled. He stopped what he was saying when he realized the hiss was followed by a deep low moan of pleasure.

“Don’t--” She panted “ Don’t--stop now, big guy.”

The breathy gasp drove all his sensations wild as he withdrew and thrust again, then again. Every movement met with her own, her body adjusting to his. Each stroke, every ragged breath, every whimper of pleasure from her drove him faster, deeper as he felt her tighten around him.

He knew his pacing was excellent but she was talented, the way she moved her hips in perfect rhythm with him. At first he thought she was not much different than any woman he had known before, but the familiar swelling sensation had been building in his nethers. _Damn_ , He tried to slow his pace. No other woman had driven him so close so fast.

His mandibles clacked as her muscles tightened around his shaft, his breath hitched as the new sensation of her more free moving muscles massaged his tip. _So much different,_ he thought, Turian women didn’t move like this.

His breathing grew ragged, she wasn’t going to let up and there was to be no escape from this maneuver. He tossed caution aside as he began to thrust more swiftly, if he could not win this bout, he would damn well go down with this ship. From within the swelling exploded. With a groan, his release shot like a thanix cannon into her voids. She cried out in ecstasy, and before his legs wouldn’t hold them both anymore he slowly sank them to the ground.

* * *

 

He chuckled. He would definitely never forget it, nor would he forget the rest of the shore leave they spent together further exploring the depths of that encounter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Gratuitous sex. 
> 
> Side note: She keeps calling him big guy because at that point they didn't actually even know each other's names.
> 
> Feel free to leave me comments and tell me how you think I'm doing. Good or bad. Comments are appreciated.


	5. Ch. 5 - Eden Prime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work of fiction will include Live Action, Flash backs, and Character Journals. Not every chapter will include all three. 
> 
> Additional Author notes and thoughts at the end of each chapter.
> 
> Please visit my art blog to see my various works of art: [aduah-art-dump.tumblr.com](https://aduah-art-dump.tumblr.com)

The situation on Eden prime was as grim as Shepard had expected. Nihlus went off to scout on his own, which meant she was leading the ground team and was being fed information.

Thier information wasn’t enough though, Jenkin’s had run ahead and was killed by some kind of drone for his trouble. Damn idiot. He was too green, too eager to prove himself. Now he was dead. She had to bite her cheek to keep the guilt from overwhelming her.  Alenko had tried to comfort her, but another soldier died under her command and all she managed to say was. _Sometimes, Marines die. We just have to carry on. We still need to find that beacon._

Shepard hated how cold she sounded in the moment. Strength was something that was expected of her, but sometimes it felt only like something she could grasp at.

When they came across Gunnery Cheif Ashley Williams of the 212, she started to get an idea of how bad the situation really was. Geth. Her military training had only touched on the geth briefly. The Alliance, no, the council races, didn’t see them as a threat since they hadn’t been seen beyond the veil in 200 years. That's all she knew, but she witnessed the brutality first hand, it was gruesome. Spikes, humans that looked like husks, none of it made any sense.

They needed to move, this mission needed to be wrapped up quickly.

* * *

Dread. Something wasn’t right. She wasn't sure what, but that feeling she got when on the battlefield was rarely wrong.  “Come on, we need to get to the spaceport.” She broke into a sprint as they rounded the corner.

“There. The Spaceport is up ahead” Williams dodged behind cover. “Watch out, more geth.”

That's when the pit dropped out of her stomach. She could see Nihlus ahead, but he wasn’t alone he was with another turian and his back was turned. As if in slow motion the other turian raised his gun toward Nihlus.

“NIHLUS!” she shouted. He turned toward them but it was too late. Despite the distance to her, the sound of the gunshot was deafening. The other figure turned to them and then turned away walking away as if on a leisurely afternoon stroll.  

It seemed like time stood still as she rushed to the spaceport. Shepard vaguely recalled controlling her own body as she vaulted over barriers kicking a husk out of the way. There was another which she grabbed to use as a shield, then shot the geth behind it before blowing the husk away. Suddenly, there was pain as a bullet ripped through her suit from behind.

“Commander!” Alenko yelled after her, the sound seemed distant.

 _Damn, I missed one._ She hadn’t been paying attention to her shield strength and the unexpected strike sent her reeling forward into the ground. The pain didn’t seem to matter as she pushed herself back up, clutching her side. It wasn’t going to stop her.

As she scrambled to the platform all she could see was blue. Her own blood ran cold. “Oh no, no nonononono, NIHLUS! Shit shit shit shit shit.” Gingerly she flipped Nihlus over, paying no heed to her own injury. His breathing was shallow but he was still breathing. “Hold on big guy, you’re gonna be ok.” Her fingers felt numb as she fumbled with her supplies and she fished out the medi-gel.

Alenko and Williams trailed not far behind her. “Alenko, Barrier!”

“A turian? Do you know him?” There was apprehension in William’s voice, but her question was met with no answer as Kaiden put up a barrier, forcing her to fend off the rest of the attack.

Nihlus let out a chuckle at the sound of Shepard’s nickname for him. She hadn’t called him that in years. The sound was sickening as it eddied choked with blood, his eyes slightly clouded.  “Shep… didn’t know... you cared so much.” The sound was low, barely audible. He struggled to speak. He took low shallow breaths, staring her steadily in the eyes. “Don't... worry about me... its Saren.”

Her face displayed a wide range of emotions in only a moment. “What? The same Saren? It can't be.” She shook her head as her heart hammered. Saren was his mentor, his friend. How could he? “Nevermind don't talk.” She touched her helmet. “Shepard to the Normandy, Nihlus is down, we need an immediate pickup.” She stared into his eyes as she spoke into the radio. “I'm moving ahead to secure the beacon”

As the radio cracked silent she propped Nihlus against one of the crates on the spaceport. “Don't you fucking move or I swear to god I’ll make sure you don't move ever move again.”

This earned Shepard another gurgled laugh. Nihlus’ mandibles shook slightly with a weak attempt to give his signature smirk.  “Yea. I know... you will. You were... always... good at that.” He attempted to move his hand to touch her, but he was too weak.

Slowly she took his hand and held it for a moment. “I said don't move.” Her voice was hoarse, barely a whisper. _Strength_ , she reminded herself.

His eyes scanned her face then moved to her side where she was hit. “You’re… wounded…”

She swallowed hard, she barely felt a thing with all the adrenaline pumping through her. “Tis’ but a scratch.” She quoted from one of her favorite old earth movies. One she’d somehow convinced Nihlus to watch. It was hilariously bad, but somehow they enjoyed it. She hoped the reference would give him some measure of comfort.

Reluctantly Shepard stood with the look of the devil himself on her face. “Is the area secure?”

“Yes, Commander.”

“Come on, we’ve got a traitor to catch and an artifact to secure.”

* * *

“Doctor? Doctor Chakwas? I think she’s waking up.” The voice was Alenko’s.

“Nihlus!” Commander Shepard sat up far too quickly, as the world spun and she felt like she was going to heave. A dream, it was all a dream. Surely everything was a horrible dream. She didn’t see Nihlus lay dying on the spaceport. And then there was that jumble of images afterward. It was all a dream, right?

“You had us worried there, Shepard. How are you feeling?”

By the look of concern on Chakwas’ face, She felt that sinking feeling again it had not been a dream after all. As reality hit her, her side screamed from the hit she had taken earlier. The adrenaline had worn off, but this wasn’t the worst she’d ever felt. She was more concerned by the vertigo because it wasn’t letting her think.

“I’m fine.” She shook her head. The movement was a huge mistake. She wavered as she put her hand down to stabilize herself, causing her knuckles to turn white at the effort. “What about Nihlus?” Despite her best effort, she wasn’t able to keep the angst out of her voice. She really didn’t care. If he died… If Nihlus was dead...

“He’s alive, but he’s lost a lot of blood. We need to get him back to the citadel as soon as possible. We weren’t equipped for this scenario.” Doctor Chakwas’ answer broke her out of her mind’s attempt to spiral into darkness. However, her face was grim. “You were out for 15 hours.”

“15 hours?” Shepard squeezed her eyes shut and placed her head in her hands briefly. “What the hell happened down there?” She looked to Kaiden. She couldn’t actually remember, everything was hazy... dim... obscured. All she could recall was Nihlus being shot and those images. She couldn’t piece it together, machines? Death? Destruction?

“It’s my fault. I must have triggered some kind of security field when I approached it. You had to push me out of the way. The thing exploded and you were knocked cold.”

Shepard carefully shook her head. She thought about chiding Alenko for his carelessness, but how was she any better? Jenkins dead. Nihlus nearly dead. The beacon destroyed… Saren…

* * *

The following conversation with Anderson went fine. He called her a hero, but like on Torfan she felt like anything but. The title ‘Hero’ should be reserved for those who could save everyone. Maybe someone who was completely selfless. That meant by her own definition, heroes didn’t exist. But if they did, she wasn’t one of them.

Anderson insisted she brief the council with her experiences personally. She hated politicians. She wasn’t looking forward to this, but with Nihlus down, and Saren and the geth on the loose, she resolved she didn’t have much choice.  

 

# Entry 3

**Entry Author** : Cmdr. Janey Shepard  
**Spacedate:** 2183

I’m forcing myself to write, but I feel a bit numb.

A Spectre? That's why Nihlus was here? He wanted to recommend me to become a spectre...

I appreciate his respect, he’s one of the few who I’d accept such a compliment from. He doesn’t give his respect or even appreciation lightly. But... I still can’t help but think the whole spectre thought is absurd. Then he went and got himself injured… He wouldn’t even be here if not for me...

We’ve known each other a long time. Anytime we had a chance we’d go out and drink. Probably why he thinks he knows so much about me... There was a time I thought I had fallen for him. He never seemed to reciprocate. Man, how stupid I felt, all the things I told myself. Nihlus was always the closest thing I had to a friend… … … My first one really...  Nihlus was a lot of firsts to me.

UGH, I’m not any good at writing my feelings down………

God damn it, he better be ok or I’ll kill him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long. Man, I went through like a week of writer's block trying to figure out how to make Eden prime succinct yet compelling. Hopefully, I succeeded. Now we can actually start getting to the meat of the story.
> 
> Feel free to leave me comments and tell me how you think I'm doing. Good or bad. Comments are appreciated.


	6. Ch. 6 - And so enters Vakarian

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work of fiction will include Live Action, Flash backs, and Character Journals. Not every chapter will include all three. 
> 
> Additional Author notes and thoughts at the end of each chapter.
> 
> Please visit my art blog to see my various works of art: [aduah-art-dump.tumblr.com](https://aduah-art-dump.tumblr.com)

Perfect. This is just what he needed. Garrus leaned back in his office chair as he read the report. He had set up a deal to have every bit of information that could be obtained regarding Saren forwarded to him and he’d just received a classified report filed from a human Commander Shepard. Sure, he wasn't supposed to have that report, but most info regarding Saren was impossible to get his hands on, and c-sec espoused it's ‘by the book’ ideology. He was getting damned tired of all the red tape. His contact had also let him know that Shepard would be meeting with the council. If he was lucky he could catch him before he got there.

As he took the elevator to the citadel tower he practiced how he'd introduce himself. “Commander Shepard, I’m Detective Vakarian. It's a pleasure to meet you, sir. I was hoping I could talk to you about Saren.” His mandibles twitched as he shook his head. “Hmm, no, maybe I should introduce myself just as…” As he debated his introduction, the door to the elevator opened.

“Vakarian!” His head snapped up at the voice.

 _Damn,_ he recognized that voice. He didn’t realize Pallin was going to try to present his evidence to the council today. “Executor Pallin, What a surprise to see you here.”

“I knew you'd come here. It's about time you hung up your investigation. You haven’t given me anything valid to present to the council.”

He glanced over at the elevator as it opened again and three humans stepped out. He looked back to Pallin. “Saren is hiding something, I need more time. Stall them.”

“Stall the council? Don't be ridiculous. Your investigation is over, Garrus.” Pallin turned to walk away, acknowledging one of the three figures with a brief nod as he walked by “Commander Shepard”.

Garrus turned to greet them and found himself in an awkward position. Not only was he seen arguing with his superior, but for some reason he had been expecting Commander Shepard to be a human male. He wasn’t an expert on human facial expressions, but the one Pallin had addressed as Commander Shepard had an odd mixture of what looked like curiosity, anger, and apprehension on her face. “Oh, umm, Commander Shepard” He reached out to shake her hand as he fumbled with his words on the correct way to address her. That was the correct custom for humans, wasn't it? He hoped it was the same for high ranking human females. She reached out without hesitation, and he sighed a silent relief. “Detective Garrus Vakarian, I was the officer in charge of the c-sec investigation into Saren.”

“You said Saren? Why are you investigating Saren?” He noted her change of expression again. It became darker, she visibly moved her jaw as if she were grinding her teeth. He was unsure of what to make of her expression this time. He’d read the report that was submitted, it didn’t _seem_ as if she had anything to do with Saren, quite the opposite in fact. But it seemed as if something about Saren struck a personal nerve to her. Surely she didn’t take the loss of the artifact personally. He was forced to take a leap and hoped he didn’t regret it later.

“I don’t trust him. Something about him rubs me the wrong way.” He watched her carefully. Sure enough, her expression changed again as it became ever so distant. Did he make the wrong choice of words?

That distant look in her eyes suddenly turned into burning hatred. Oh, he’d seen that look before. Luckily, he could tell it wasn’t pointed at him. “Good, You shouldn’t” She practically hissed. Huh, Maybe something about this was personal to her.

“He’s a spectre, everything he touches is classified. I can’t get any hard evidence on him.” He crossed his arms.

She practically cut him off. “Oh don’t worry, that's going to change _very_ soon.” There was an almost sinister edge to her voice.

The human male behind her shifted uncomfortably at her change in tone. “I think the council is ready for us,  Commander.”

She nodded firmly and started to walk past him.

“Good luck Shepard, maybe the council will listen to you.” He hadn’t meant to use simply her name, for some reason she seemed more of the strict military titles type, but when he did, she stopped and offered him a flick of a raised brow and a grin so brief he nearly didn’t catch it before she continued on. There was something more in that brief expression though, what was it? Pain, Anguish? He had sharp eyes, he had to to be good at his job, but he was really regretting not taking the advanced body language course that c-sec had been offering.

 _Huh_ , he watched her approach the council chambers. _Maybe I’m going to have to look more into that one_. He hadn’t been particularly interested in the person who had submitted that report he’d read. He’d only been interested in the part about Saren, but now… Now, he was curious. Exactly what kind of person was this Commander Shepard? Was she the strong brave face? Was she the burning barely contained anger? Or... was it that peak right before she walked away that defined her?

He tapped one of his fingers onto the armor of his crossed arms as he watched her go. A mystery. He liked a good mystery.

* * *

 

Garrus had a lot to do; go over that report again, talk to Dr. Michel about the Quarian who had information on Saren, and… Find out more about Shepard.

For some reason, he thought it was prudent to do the latter first. So, when he got back to his office, he puzzled over Shepard. She didn’t seem uncomfortable around turians, though at least one of her companions did. He put a request into his omni-tool for his contact to return  some information to him about Shepard, in the meantime, he’d go over that report again.

He’d read the report several times, he’d even read the supplemental report several times. What was he missing? Why did the look on her face say this Saren business was personal? He scanned it again. She’d saved the life of the turian spectre that was with them on the mission. Was that the link? He couldn’t find any information on why the spectre was with them. He couldn’t ever find any information on spectres, even with his tech skills. Why would an injured turian make her hate Saren so much though? He shook his head. It didn’t make any sense.

Just then his omni-tool beeped. He’d received Shepard’s military record.  _That was fast_ , he thought as he transferred the files to his holopad and leaned forward in his chair resting his elbows on his desk. _No record of family, No record of her pre-military history,_ He wasn’t surprised. Some military records were incomplete. _Entered the military by recommendation of David Anderson at age 16._ That surprised him a little. Sure, Turians were required to enter the military at age 15, but from what he knew humans didn’t often enlist before the age of 18-20.

As he continued to read, he grew to respect this soldier he’d met but once. N7, helping to repel the Batarians in the Skyllian Verge, and then there was Torfan, nasty business, but the drive to completely destroy one’s adversary was admirable. Saren, it seemed, was now her adversary. Maybe they’d get that shifty blackguard after all. _Skills,_ he skimmed down the page. _Sniper rifles, pistols, tech, hand to hand combat..._ His mandibles twitched in surprise. Thier skill sets were nearly identical, though he preferred an assault rifle to a pistol.  

He tapped his finger on his desk, over and over. _What am I missing?_ He stood, he’d definitely need to talk to her again before she left the citadel. He couldn’t let a mystery go unsolved, _Besides,_ he told himself, _I need to get that information about Saren._

In the meantime, he needed to talk to Dr. Michel about the Quarian.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3
> 
> Feel free to leave me comments and tell me how you think I'm doing. Good or bad. Comments are appreciated.


	7. Ch. 7- Following Leads

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This work of fiction will include Live Action, Flashbacks, and Character Journals. Not every chapter will include all three. 
> 
> Additional Author notes and thoughts at the end of each chapter.
> 
> Please visit my art blog to see my various works of art: [aduah-art-dump.tumblr.com](https://aduah-art-dump.tumblr.com)

“It was a mistake bringing you into that hearing, Captain. You and Saren have too much history. It made the council question our motives.” There he went, Udina was blithering on and on before walking away telling Anderson he shouldn’t be involved in the Saren investigation any further.

Shepard was too annoyed by the council meeting to pay much heed to what Udina had been saying, it had gone exactly as she thought it would. They didn’t have evidence against Saren, so how could Anderson and Udina have even expected the council to disbar him? Nihlus was still unconscious, so without his testimony, they’d have to find another way.  

“You know Saren?” When Udina left Shepard looked up to Anderson from her own thoughts. “Why didn’t you mention this earlier?”

Anderson sighed “I worked with him on a mission a long time ago. Things went bad. Real bad. We shouldn’t talk about this here. But I know what he's like, and he has to be stopped.”

Shepard felt even more uneasy about Saren now, if that was possible. It seemed like Saren had wronged everyone she’d come to care about. “There was a C-Sec detective looking into Saren. I’ll see if he has any information we could use.”

He nodded. “You might want to try to contact Barla Von, too. Word is he’s one of the shadow broker’s agents. He might have some information on Saren, though that information probably won't be cheap”

“Alright… I’ll start there.” Shepard turned to Williams to Alenko, “Give me a moment, I’ll meet you at the elevator.” Once they had walked away, she looked back to Anderson. “I know we haven’t been back long, but is there any word on Nihlus? I told them to contact me if he wakes up, but he’s a spectre, so…”  
  
Anderson just shook his head. “I’m afraid I don’t have any more information than you do.”

She felt her face fall. “Alright… Thanks, Anderson.”

 

* * *

 

The office of Barla Von was only a short jaunt from the citadel tower, so it made sense to start there first. Shepard was surprised when she stepped inside, she hadn’t been expecting a volus.

“What’s this? One of the earth clan? Ah, a very famous one, yes? You are the one called Shepard. You were at Torfan, correct? You lead the final assault against the enemy base if memory serves.” Every sentence was punctuated by a mechanical breath.

Shepard took a second to keep herself from lashing out. Another mention of Torfan. She figured she’d be used to it by now, but somehow it still affected her. “I’m a bit surprised you know of me.”

“Forgive me Earth clan, my job makes it necessary for me to keep informed. I am a financial advisor to many important clients here on the citadel. When someone as important as yourself arrives on the station, I take notice.”

“I heard you work for the shadow broker, I need information on Saren.” She got right to the point, she didn’t want to be here anymore. The mention of Torfan had set her on edge and for some reason, his mechanical breathing nearly brought her back to that battlefield.

“You're very blunt Shepard, but you’re right. I am an agent for the shadow broker, and I do know something about saren.”

She was surprised, she hadn’t actually expected him to be so forthcoming. “How much?”

“Normally, this information would cost a small fortune, Saren being a spectre and all, but these are exceptional circumstances. So, I'm going to give it to you for free.”

“What's the catch? There's always a catch. People don't normally give for free what they can charge for.” She crossed her arms and started to tap impatiently. _Keep it together, Shepard. You’ll be out of here soon._

“No catch. The shadow broker is quite upset with Saren right now, they used to do a lot of business until Saren turned on him.” 

“Saren betrayed him, imagine that.” She let the snark slip.

“No matter what you think of Saren, he’s not stupid. He knows the shadow broker is a valuable ally. Turning on him doesn’t make sense, not unless something huge was at stake. I don't know the details, but the shadow broker hired a freelancer to deal with it. A Krogan mercenary. Speak to him if you want to learn more. You’ll probably find him at c-sec.” 

“That isn’t much to go on”.

“Free information is free information, you should take what you can get.”

Shepard simply nodded and left Barla Von’s office. She felt a little like she was being jerked around. If there was one thing she disliked more than politicians, it was being jerked around. And she _really_ didn’t like politicians.

As she stepped outside she took a breath of fresh air, letting the tension slide from her shoulders. _A krogan merc, huh?_ She didn’t recall having had any interactions with a krogan before. She knew they were excellent warriors and potentially quite volatile. She decided she’d have to play this meeting by ear. She didn’t want to risk losing any potential information on Saren.

 

* * *

 

When they reached C-Sec,  the krogan mercenary wasn’t hard to find. 

“You should warn Fist. I _will_ kill him”

“You want me to arrest you?” There was a human c-sec officer who looked very displeased to be dealing with the krogan.

“I’d want to see you try.” Wrex let out a low menacing laugh, then noticed Shepard standing near the elevator staring at him. “ What, human?” He deliberately approached her in a very impending manner.   

“Wrex?” She stood her ground. No hard ass merc was going to make her flinch.

“Yea, What of it?”

“Let me cut to the chase. I’m trying to bring down Saren, Barla Von said to talk to you.”

He let out a brief appreciative laugh. “Barla Von is a wise volus. We may share a common goal, human.”

“Enlighten me.” This was a surprise, she slackened her tense stance a little.

“I’ve been hired to take down a man named Fist. He did something very foolish.” Wrex looked quite entertained.

“Let me guess he betrayed the Shadow Broker.”

“A quarian showed up here on the citadel. She wanted to trade information for a safe place to hide, so she went to Fist. He promised to arrange a meeting between her and the Shadow Broker. Instead, he contacted Saren.”

“I can see where this is going. I'm guessing she’s got information on Saren, and Fist wants some sweet dosh.” She rubbed her fingers together. 

Wrex laughed out loud. “ You catch on pretty quick, human.” He gave her a friendly clap on the back sending her off balance a step.

She couldn’t quite put her finger on it, but for some reason, she liked this krogan. She grinned back at him. “Call me Shepard. What do you say? I scratch your back, you scratch mine. Fist for you, The info on Saren for me.”

Wrex shrugged. “Sure why not, It's not costing me anything. I like it when help doesn’t cost anything.”

“Hold on a sec,” Shepard looked around the c-sec chamber they were in. “I need to see if I can find Detective Vakarian, He had some information on Saren too.” She turned to her team. “Williams, Alenko, go inform Captain Anderson we’ve gotten some leads.”

“Vakarian? A turian? I just saw him leave.” Wrex nodded to the door. “Heard him say he was going to follow up on a lead in the Med Clinic.”

 

* * *

 

Garrus hadn’t expected a hostage situation, but when the door opened unexpectedly behind him he held his breath. The situation escalated quickly, but the brief moment of distraction was enough for him to get a clean shot on the threat. The remaining mercs were easy targets.

“Great timing Shepard, I mean, Commander. Gave me a clear shot at that bastard.” Ah, he did it again. What was it about her that made him keep slipping up.

The grin she shot him as she shook her head was such a contrast to the look on her face earlier. “Just Shepard is fine. Nice shot”

His pulse raced, it felt like getting a compliment from a superior officer you had a lot of respect for. “Sometimes you get lucky.”

“Don’t be modest Vakarian, I don't know a single soldier who would have taken that shot if he didn’t know it would hit his mark dead.”

Garrus hadn’t noticed the Krogan behind her until he had given an approving grunt. “I agree with Shepard, Not a terrible shot for a turian.”

He watched Shepard turn to the krogan as she rolled her eyes with the smile still plastered on her face. “Nice backhanded compliment, Wrex, for a krogan.”

Wrex shrugged. “Whaddaya want from me?”

He watched the pair with a note of interest. He hadn’t expected Shepard to show up at all, but the fact she had shown up with a krogan at her back was even more interesting. Krogan weren’t known for alliances with humans, let alone ones associated with the military. The mystery grew deeper.

He turned to Dr. Michel. “Dr. Michel, are you hurt?”

She scratched the back of her head. “No. I’m ok, thanks to you. All of you.”

Shepard took what seemed like a gentle step forward. “I’m glad you’re ok. Do you mind telling me what this was all about?”

“They work for Fist. They wanted to shut me up, keep me from telling Garrus about the quarian.”

The krogan spoke up. “The one I told you about, Shepard.”

Garrus hadn’t expected so many to know about the quarian. The news was alarming, to say the least. Finding the quarian was now urgent. “She must be able to link Saren to the geth. There’s no way the council can ignore this.”

“Yea, my thoughts exactly. We’re going to have to speedball this”. She looked just as anxious as he felt. She turned to the krogan “Time to pay Fist a visit.”

His sub-vocals thrummed with an anxious tone. There wasn’t any way he was going to let her and the krogan take care of this without him. “Listen. This is your show, Shepard. But I want to bring down Saren as much as you do. I’m coming with you.”

She turned back to him with that raised brow he’d seen her give him before. “Why do you want to bring down Saren so much?”

“I couldn’t find the proof I needed in my investigation, but I know what's really going on. Saren’s a traitor to the council and a disgrace to my people!” He noticed her expression darken again when he’s said, traitor. Humans were very expressive compared to most races, however, even if you could tell how they felt, it was hard to tell what they were thinking.

“Alright, fine by me Vakarian.”

 _Finally,_ he thought. They were going to bring Saren to justice. “Fist will be waiting for us. When we hit him, we better hit him hard. “

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, I really do love Wrex and Garrus. My booooiiis are finally here. 
> 
> Feel free to leave me comments and tell me how you think I'm doing. Good or bad. Comments are appreciated.


	8. Ch 8 - Fist's End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Additional Author notes and thoughts at the end of each chapter.
> 
> Please visit my art blog to see my various works of art: [aduah-art-dump.tumblr.com](https://aduah-art-dump.tumblr.com)

Chora’s Den was closed, but Shepard wasn’t surprised since Fist already knew someone was after him. It was eerie hearing no music coming from behind the closed doors. Looking between Garrus and Wrex she started to formulate a plan. She was used to taking control of missions; so before she realized it, she was doling instruction.

“Garrus, I see you have a sniper rifle on your back. You any good with that thing?”

She watched as his mandibles flicked and he stood straighter with pride. “Of course, It’s my best weapon.”

“Good, I want you at our back. I trust you won't shoot us in the head, Deadeye. You’ll stay behind this concrete half-wall for now.” With a quirk to her lips, she turned to Wrex who already had his shotgun out. “Come on powerplay, you and your shotgun are with me by the door.”

“Powerplay, Really, Shepard?” Wrex looked her up and down with a wry grin.

“Whaddaya want from me Wrex? I’m workin’ on it.” She shrugged noncommittally and gave him a slap on the back like he’d done to her earlier. She took up her position on one side of the door, while Wrex took up his on the other. She looked at Wrex, “Ready?” When he grunted, she hacked the door and it slid open.

As soon as the door opened shots rang through the door. Wrex didn’t waste any time as he bum-rushed the room. “Not quite what I had in mind.” She mumbled. “Guess I shouldn’t have expected tactics.”

From inside the club, she heard rapid-fire shotgun blasts and a low deep laughter. “That's three Shepard, If you don't get in here you’re going to miss all the fun.”

“What?” She yelled after him. “You got three mercs already? You’re right, I’m not letting you have all the fun.” She pulled out her sniper rifle and ducked behind an overturned table. She took a measured steady breath and leveled her rifle at the mercs, it was as if the world around her slowed. “No hard feelings, its only business,” she uttered to no one in particular as she took her first shot, clean. She adjusted her aim and took down another.

“FOUR!” She heard Wrex shout from the other side of the bar.

Just as she had her third in her scope, he fell dead.  Peeking over the barrier she scanned the room. This part looked clear at least.  “Bout time you joined us Vakarian.”

He had the most comical look on his face, she nearly laughed. “You people are crazy. Who just rushes into a room full of armed men.”

“SIX!” Wrex peaked around the corner of a small hall. “You slackers coming or what?”

She looked over her shoulder. “Sometimes you just learn to have no fear.” She jogged over to Wrex, Garrus at her back.“Holy Hell, Wrex. You’re a beast.” Wasting no time she hacked the lock on the door in the hall.

The door slid open.“Stop right there! Don’t come any closer!” The two men in front of her were visibly shaking.

“Warehouse workers?” She heard Garrus say from behind her, he sounded incredulous. “All the real guards must be dead.”

Shepard took a threatening step toward them. “Might be a good time to find a new line of work fellas, I’m sure you don't wanna end up like the guys out there.” She motioned behind her.

“Yea, maybe you're right.” One said with a relieved breath as they fled.

“Shooting them would have been quicker,” Wrex grumbled.

“Sorry to ruin your fun Wrex, but shooting people isn’t _always_ the answer.”

The next room was Fist’s office, he was an easier target than expected. One shot in the leg and he spilled all the information they’d needed on finding the quarian. She wasn’t surprised when Wrex killed him after they got what they needed. Garrus was. “I have little sympathy for people who use others for personal gain.” She virtually growled. “One less person to take advantage of the less fortunate.”

* * *

 

They had managed to rescue the quarian quickly and swiftly, which was a great relief to Garrus. The quarian said her name was Tali’Zorah nar Rayya. The evidence she’d had against Saren was irrefutable.

He had been thinking about Shepard, about Chora’s den remembering what he’d barely heard her mutter. _No hard feelings, just business._ She’d seemed a slightly unhinged, especially with the krogan at her side; but, things like that, the things she thought no one heard, rang through him on a strange note. The disdain, however, in her voice when she just stared over Fist’s dead body felt like a direct conflict to her previous whispered statement.

“You're coming too. You deserve to be right there beside us when we present the evidence to the council.” Shepard's green eyes bore into him with a strange determination as she tore him from his ruminations.  He was literally speechless for several moments. It was an incredibly generous offer.

“Are you sure you want to bring me with you? I-I've never even been to a council hearing before.”

“Good” she gave him a slight pat on the shoulder. “It would be a disservice to not let you experience that perdition at least once. It seemed like you wanted to see Saren brought down as much as me, I think you should be there too.” Her eyes glinted with a humor that made him feel like her joke was more serious than she’d let on.

“It would be… an honor. Thank you, Shepard.” The camaraderie that shown in her smile took him off-guard. He’d not expected such regard from someone he’d only known for such a short time.

* * *

 

Promptly he’d understood why Shepard had called the council meeting perdition, which he now knew meant something akin to hell. The council was equal parts unmoved and naive. They had at least chosen to regard the evidence concerning Saren seriously; he’d expected that they would ignore it. However, they’d refused to believe Shepard’s warning that the Reapers may become a threat. He had to admit it did sound a little far-fetched, but the conviction in her voice had convinced him she thought they were.

Even more surprising was the fact he’d witnessed history. He’d been affected more than he’d have thought as the council had elevated her to the position of the first human spectre, and he was there to witness it. She’d taken the elevation in stride and with grace, despite the fact that they’d not even thanked her for proving that Saren was a traitor. Even their human ambassador Udina, who generally seemed pleased that there was now a human spectre, didn’t seem all that pleased that the one chosen was Shepard. For some reason he couldn’t place, it really irritated him. Something about this human inspired him.

It was now or never. “Hey, Um, Shepard? Do you have a moment?” She’d agreed to let Tali’Zorah join her crew earlier...

She stopped and waved everyone on ahead of her before turning to him. “Yea, sure, What’s up?”

“Would you mind if…” He rubbed the back of his neck, he was making a bungle of himself. “You’re going to track down Saren. I was hoping I could come along.”

She raised both brows in what he could only assume was surprise. “ What about C-sec?”

“Saren’s more important right now. If what you said about the Reapers and the conduit is right, well, more than the citadel is at risk right now.”

Her surprise turned into an easy smile and his mandibles went wide. “Alright, Vakarian, Welcome aboard.”

He hadn’t expected her easy agreement. What he _had_ expected was to have to plead his case. Searching her face he let his sub-vocals slip into a pleased hum. “I told you, call me Garrus.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something that always kind of bugged me about the game and other fics (that I've read) was that fact that it was just a given that Garrus and Wrex joined the Normandy crew, the only one who ever seemed to actually ask to come along was Tali and Shepard never really ever expressed any surprise to either of them at their willingness to join the adventure. 
> 
> Feel free to leave me comments and tell me how you think I'm doing. Good or bad. Comments are appreciated.


	9. Ch 9 - Awake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Additional Author notes and thoughts at the end of each chapter.
> 
> Please visit my art blog to see my various works of art: [aduah-art-dump.tumblr.com](https://aduah-art-dump.tumblr.com)

It seemed like only a few minutes after she was elevated to Spectre that she got a ping on her omni-tool, Spectre Channel.

She reviewed the message, it was from Nihlus and he was awake.  Her heart raced and she anxiously looked at Vakarian to whom she was just talking. “Sorry, Garrus, I have to run! I’ll see you at C-Sec once we get the ship situation figured out.” She didn’t even give him a chance to respond before she took off.

Where was he? She reviewed the message again since she wasn’t told where he was. Injured spectres weren’t exactly kept in general population. The ride on the elevator and subsequent journey to Nihlus’ location seemed like an eternity. The message from Nihlus hadn’t said much and she’d already chewed her nails down to their beds.

He was on a private level of Huerta Memorial. Luckily, she had already been given her spectre permissions, so entry was granted with a swipe of her omni-tool. The halls of this level were practically empty. The only medical staff that was allowed permission were those with high-level security access.

She found him sitting in a chair in the room he’d indicated. He was staring at some files on his holo-pad by the window overlooking the Presidium with an IV hooked up.

“Nihlus!” If she were holding anything she would have dropped it as she rushed over to him and wrapped her arms around him, grasping tightly.

“Ow, too much, too tight.” He lighthearted grumbled as he gently put his hand on her head.

She pulled away slowly. “Sorry, I…”

There was a look of absolute surprise on his face as he touched her cheek. She hadn’t realized it, but she was crying. His mandibles flared several times. “You’re leaking, Shepard.” he quipped as he wiped away one of the streaks down her face.

“Shut up, Nihlus.” she objected as her knees went weak and she collapsed to the ground. All she could manage to do was put her forehead against his knee. “I was scared, I’ve never been so scared in my life.” she managed weakly. “If you had died... I thought you were going to die... I thought I was too late...”

He made a sound she’d never heard him make before, a sound of helplessness. “Janey…” he stroked his hand over her hair. She wondered where he’d learned such a thing, it was nice though. Then he let out a comforting low rumble. It was the most unexpected and sound, it sounded nearly like a cat’s purr. They stayed like that for a while. “If I’d known you were such a watering pot I’d never have recommended to make you a spectre.”

That earned him a whack on the side of the leg, but she didn’t lift her head. “Watering pot? Where did you hear that one at?”

She felt him shrug. “Around?” he murmured. She was astounded, the purring sound didn’t go away as he spoke. “You know, It might not be too late. Maybe I can contact the council and get them to revoke that shiny new spectre status.”

She smacked his leg again and finally looked up at him. Her eyes were red and puffy. “You heard, did you?”

He grinned at her, the expression was most noticeable around his eyes. “That's really not a good look for you, you know.”

She let out a raspy laugh, as she pulled herself up shakily and pulled over a chair next to him. “You’re insufferable sometimes, _you know.”_

“Sometimes? Hmm, I’m going to have to work on that.” He shifted uncomfortably as she stared at him with a listless look on her face. “I’m fine, Shepard. I promise. I’m alive, see.” He reached out his hand to poke her.

All she could do was put her face in her hand. Maybe if she tried hard enough the embarrassing look on her face would go away. Being so overwhelmed with emotion when she saw Nihlus alive, though a little worse for wear, wasn’t something she was used to. She pasted a fake smile on her face as if that would make the redness go away. “Good, you promised me you’d be along on several missions with me.”

“I’m not sure that's a good idea in this condition.” When the smile slid off her face he added “I’m tough, Shepard, I won't be down for long and If I know you half a well as I think I do, you probably dug something up on Saren.”

She had a really hard time reading his face, turians were hard to read since they didn’t have as many expressive muscles in their faces. She nodded slowly. “Yea, that’s the only reason I’m a spectre now, even without your additional recommendation.” She let out a long hard breath. “I was able to dig up an audio file that links Saren to the geth thanks to a little help from a turian c-sec detective, a quarian, and a krogan merc.”

He turned and looked out the window. “Sounds like an interesting team, I shouldn’t be surprised you’d manage to bring them all together.”

She waited for him to continue, but when he didn’t she had to ask the hard question. “Do you have any idea why he’s doing this? He was your friend, Your mentor.”

Nihlus just gave a small shrug as his mandibles splayed and shook his head. “He’s not that bad of a shot, He’s a top spectre for a reason. He could have made sure I was dead; he didn’t. Something isn’t right. I haven’t pieced together what.”

“I got near the prothean artifact and it gave me a vision. It had to do with the Reapers. The recording we had of Saren mentioned a conduit.” She stared at his reflection in the window. “Does any of that ring a bell?”

He merely shook his head. “I’ll find what I can while I’m down and forward it to you.”

Hesitantly she stood. She was afraid if she left he might disappear, or that she might wake up only to find out this was a dream. She took another step over and gave him a hug. As if reading her mind he simply said. “Don’t worry, Shepard. I’m not going to disappear.”

She straightened back up. “Good, you better not. If you do, your spirit will never rest. I want status reports on your health.”

He gave a snarky little salute. “Aye, Aye commander. The spirit will let you know.”

She turned to leave but then turned back. “And Nihlus? None of this happened.” She made a gesture to her face.

He gave her that smirk that said _But I’ll always know._ “It doesn’t matter. Even if I told the whole Citadel, no one would believe the stoic Commander Shepard cried like a child in my lap.”

* * *

 

As Shepard wandered back down the hall of the hospital she reflected on what Nihlus had said to her. He was right of course. Saren could have made sure he was dead. Even if, for some reason, he’d been off center, he could have shot Nihlus again to finish the job. Did he hesitate? Did he just want Nihlus out of the way? He would have known when Nihlus recovered he’d be able to testify against him. Maybe he thought Nihlus wouldn’t recover so quickly.

Barla Von had said something interesting to her too. Saren wouldn’t have betrayed the Shadow Broker unless something huge was at stake. But what could be a stake? Was he being manipulated? Blackmailed? What would cause him to nearly kill his own protege? What could cause him to work with the geth?

Saren might hold humanity in contempt like Anderson had said, but then it wouldn’t make sense for him to shoot Nihlus. He would have tried to convince Nihlus of his point of view. Then again, maybe he’d already tried. She had no way of knowing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Man, this chapter just wrote itself ;^;
> 
> Feel free to leave me comments and tell me how you think I'm doing. Good or bad. Comments are appreciated.


	10. Ch 10- Start the game already.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Additional Author notes and thoughts at the end of each chapter.
> 
> Please visit my art blog to see my various works of art: [aduah-art-dump.tumblr.com](https://aduah-art-dump.tumblr.com)

Pissed wasn’t quite the word to describe how she felt when she was given command of the Normandy. Anderson didn’t deserve to be pushed aside like a piece of debris. He was so proud of this ship when they took her on her shakedown run. He got her for all of one mission. It was unfair, cruel, even.

She felt guilty. Anderson had done a lot for her, probably more than she even realized; but here she was taking over his ship, hell, even taking being the first human spectre. The guilt made her sick. All she’d ever done was get other people killed and get praised for it.

Anderson had told her that he believed in her and that he knew she could stop Saren. So if that meant he’d had to step aside, so be it. She had to grit her teeth to keep from telling him she thought he was wrong, that she wasn’t really ready for this; then again, when was anyone ever ready for anything like this?

“I promise I won't let you down…” she swallowed hard. “... Anderson.”

“I know you won’t” Anderson’s voice was proud like a father who knew his kid was off to great things.

When she boarded the Normandy it took everything she had to stand tall and be the strong leader the crew expected. If not for what Saren had done to Nihlus she might have refused to become a spectre and refused to take control of the Normandy. She needed to find Saren and to do that she needed a ship. She needed to show Anderson his sacrifice meant something. So, she put one foot in front of the other.

She took a little time directing the new crew additions to their quarters, and reluctantly put her things in her new quarters before heading to the front of the ship.

* * *

 

Joker had known she was there before she even finished walking up behind him. “I heard what happened to Captain Anderson. Survives a hundred battles and then gets taken down by backroom politics.”

Shepard punched the top of Jokers chair in frustration, being careful to not accidentally hit him. She already knew about his Vrolik Syndrome, and it didn’t bother her one bit that her pilot was as fragile as a piece of glass. Still, she thought he was the best damn pilot in the fleet. “This isn’t right! Captain Anderson should be the one in charge. I feel like I’m stealing the ship from him.”

Joker glanced over his shoulder. “Yea, the captain got screwed. But it's not like you could've stopped it. Nobody’s blaming you. Everyone on this ship’s behind you, Commander. One hundred percent.” He cracked a mischievous smile. “Even if you are a spectre now.” He pressed a button. “Intercom’s open. If you have anything you want to say to the crew, now’s the time.”

She sighed working up her nerve then leaned over Joker’s chair. “This is Commander Shepard speaking. We have our orders: find Saren before he finds the conduit. I won’t lie to you, crew, this mission isn’t going to be easy. This began with an attack on a human settlement in the Traverse; but, we know Saren won't stop there. His geth armies aren’t going to stay on the far fringes of Citadel space. The council wants to ignore this. That's no surprise, they’ve never helped us in the past; no reason they’d start now. We don't need their help. We can do this without them. Our enemy knows we’re coming, so when we go into the Traverse, Saren’s followers will be waiting for us, but we’ll be ready for them too.”

She stood up straight. “This is the most important mission any of us have ever been on. More important than the Skyllian Verge, Torfan or even relay 314. The fate of an entire galaxy is at stake. We _will_ stop Saren’s twisted machinations, no matter what the cost.”

“Well said Commander, the captain would be proud.”

She put a resolute look on her face. “We’re not going to let him down, Joker. The captain gave up everything to give us this chance. We _won’t_ fail.”

* * *

 

Shepard paced the floor of her quarters. They had leads. Feros, Noveria and the Artemis Tau cluster. It felt like the most solid was going to be Matriarch Benezia’s daughter, Liara, in the Artemis Tau cluster so she had instructed Joker to connect there first.

She was angry at Udina for arranging that she take the Normandy. She was angry at Anderson for stepping aside.  She was angry at herself for not fighting harder for Anderson. Most of all she was angry at Saren for causing this whole damn mess.

Restlessly she sat down to write an entry in her personal log when there was a chime at her door. Begrudgingly, she stood and made her way to the door. When she opened it she was surprised to see Garrus standing there.

“Garrus, come in.” She invited him in and motioned to a set of chairs. “Settling in ok?”

“Yea, Thanks for bringing me on board.” He sat in one of the chairs she’d indicated. She sat in the other. “Just trying to something to do with myself while we search for Saren.” He tilted his head a little as if trying to gauge her.

She noticed him doing that a lot. He was very observative. The thought crossed her mind that she should watch herself around him, but he didn’t seem mal-intent. In fact, he seemed quite the opposite. She couldn’t figure out why, but she almost felt like she could relax a little around him. Maybe it was because of Nihlus. Garrus was in a way like Nihlus, sharp, though their personalities and mannerisms were completely different. Nihlus joked about everything, Garrus was a little more serious. She’d have to change that, get him to loosen up a little.

She had snagged whatever information she could on her new crew members, being a spectre definitely had its benefits. She knew she had agreed to let Garrus, Tali, and Wrex join the crew, having had made a snap judgment on all of them before agreeing, but she hadn’t been above changing her mind if she felt anything off about the info the spectres had on them in the database. However, she often preferred to do things by feel.

She leaned forward on her knees. “Tell me about yourself, Garrus.”

When he shifted a bit and she nearly laughed, He suddenly looked like he was going through an interview process.

“Well, I come from Palaven--” He started

She cut him off. “Ok, skip the history lesson for now. You wanted to find something to do with yourself. What do you like to do? What are you good at?”

She could tell this brought him up short. He must not have expected this line of questioning. “Well, ummm, I’m pretty good with electronics... I like calibrating things.”

“Calibrating things?” she sat back and crossed her arms. “Like?”

“Oh, you know. Guns, vehicles, weapon systems. Doesn’t hurt to make sure everything is running efficiently. Like a well-oiled machine as it were.”

“Uh-huh.” She scratched the side of her eyebrow. “Well, I think Williams has the guns covered, and we have a weapon’s system technician… But, if you like vehicles, I think the Mako’s free. Maybe you could fix the way the thing steers. I don’t know who designed those things.”

He stood with a nod. “I’ll see what I can do.”

Shepard watched him leave before sitting down at her terminal. _Calibrations, huh? Hope that's not going to be a problem._

 

# Entry 4

**Entry Author:** Cmdr. Janey Shepard  
**Spacedate:** Whatever, 2183

So much has happened since I last wrote any of it down. Hard to believe its only been a few days. Feels like its been a month.

Nihlus is going to be fine. Thank god. He’s still recovering though. I think he’s acting like like he’s better than he is. This shit with Saren has to be harder than he’s letting on. It is for me.

Hmm, what should I write? I’m documenting this all now.

Let's see, I’m a spectre now…

Damn…

I’m just going to type because I don’t know how to say any of this. I’m commanding the Normandy now. Udina forced Anderson out, Anderson just stepped aside. IT’S SO DAMN INFURIATING. This is his ship, not mine.

Anderson told me how he was once being considered to be the first human spectre. Saren screwed him over. Then there's me. I feel like I'm stealing both the spectre achievement from him and the ship.

He took a chance on me 13 years ago, and now I’m taking everything from him. I have so much respect for him its not funny. None of this feels right.

Why am I even in this position now? He’d tell me I earned it or something. But let's be honest here... Did I really?

The jury is still out.

Oh, I should probably add, I picked a few new crew members. A turian, a quarian, and a krogan. Joker claims the crew’s behind me, but I guess we’ll see how they feel about having aliens on board. I noticed a few xenophobic problems before Eden Prime… I was going to address that with Anderson… Guess, I’ll have to figure it out on my own now.

Damn...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I seriously hope this won't be a problem, Garrus. 
> 
> Feel free to leave me comments and tell me how you think I'm doing. Good or bad. Comments are appreciated.


	11. Ch 11 - Bring down the sky

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Additional Author notes and thoughts at the end of each chapter.
> 
> Please visit my art blog to see my various works of art: [aduah-art-dump.tumblr.com](https://aduah-art-dump.tumblr.com)

She knew every decision she’d made while in the military didn’t affect just her.  It was a departure from how she’d grown up, where you’d just look out for yourself. Every decision you made could kill someone or save them. Most times it would do both. The more you hesitated, the more people would die. She didn’t join the military to become a leader, she joined so she could eat. She just did what she was told and made decisions when they had to be made. But people died. It seemed like no matter what decision she made someone always died.

They’d gotten two requests for help before they’d even reached the Artemis Tau cluster. One from Admiral Hackett requesting help regarding a rogue VI on Earth’s moon. She was relieved to have a mission where she didn’t have to shoot anyone, just take out some machines; but when they finished the job and _01001000 01000101 01001100 01010000_ flashed on her visor before flickering out, she felt sick to her stomach. She could read binary, she was good with code. The code had said _HELP._ It had asked for help. Had she just snuffed out a new life; an AI that had just come into being? There was coming doubt in her head if she was really the good guy.

The second request came when they were passing near Terra Nova. Specifically, from an asteroid hurtling toward the colony. It became had apparent when they got there that the asteroid had been hijacked by some Batarian terrorists.

This is when it really hit her, her actions, her decision had consequences. Balak had recognized Shepard. What Batarian who was familiar with had happened on Torfan wouldn’t? He had poked that festering wound. She had to remind herself that Torfan was retaliation for Elysium and not just the slaughter of a bunch of batarians. He insisted there would be a batarian rebellion thanks to her actions. If she’d just shot him when she first saw him instead of trying to talk to him, maybe those scientists would still be alive. It came down to the wire though, she had talked too long and so she had to make a decision: Let those scientists die, or let Balak go. She couldn’t let someone go who might endanger more innocent people. So, she let the scientists die.

It wasn’t much of choice, her face became impassive and hard, but the choice had been made. She made that bed, now she was going to lie in it.

She made sure Balak was dead.

* * *

 

Garrus was there with her on that asteroid; nothing that happened there was her fault, but he could tell she blamed herself. The batarian was deranged, he’d said a lot of foul things to her. Its when he started to understand the impact that Torfan had on Shepard. He thought Torfan was a great feat, but he could tell by her body language that she didn’t. She’d been forced to choose between saving the scientists or kill the batarian terrorist. She chose the latter. He’d have done the same. If he’d have escaped thousands more could die.

The moment he saw her face change, he’d hardly recognized her. She had shot the batarian in the shoulder, then she had shot him in the leg. He didn’t think she was going to stop, so he was just about to intervene when the batarian asked her to just kill him. She responded, _Gladly,_ and then shot him in the head. He was dead before the bullet reached the back of his head.

Garrus didn’t know if that was Shepard’s form of mercy. She could have shot him in the chest and left him to drown in his own blood, but she hadn’t. Sometimes she seemed twisted, then other times she didn’t. It was damn confusing. He needed to know what made her tick if he was going to follow her orders.

When they got back on the Normandy he’d decided we would tell her about Dr. Saleon, how he’d have done the same had he had the chance. Maybe she’d open up. He just needed to find the right time.

* * *

 

Shepard had taken the lift down to the lower hold carrying a few bottles of water. Perhaps lingering with the crew would help her feel better a bit better. Walking over to the requisitions officer she caught his attention from cataloging his work before tossing him a bottle of water.

“Hey, Calmon. Any good prices on those weapons we got on that last mission?”

“Hey commander, thanks for the water.” He unscrewed the lid and took a swig while looking over the log on his pad. “Some of them are quite used, but there were a few good finds. Ash seemed interested in helping me restore them, might be able to get a decent price next time we dock.”

“Ash?” It made her smile unexpectedly. If there was a budding romance she’d make sure not to get in the way. She didn’t have any desire to run this ship like a strict military vessel. It was part of the reason she didn’t have any problem with her requisitions officer buying and selling arms. If she was a spectre now, she’d likely need more credits than the standard military allowance. Less paperwork too. “Good, make sure you take your cut. I’ll throw Williams some extra credits too for the help.”

She turned and tossed a bottle at Wrex. He wasn’t looking at her; he was polishing his shotgun, so it was uncanny how he snagged the bottle with his biotics without looking up. “Gonna have to try harder than that, Shepard.”

Then she walked over to Williams and sat a bottle down next to her, she was engrossed in detailing one of the guns with a little music on so Shepard decided not to disturb her.

When she glanced over toward the mako to drop off her last bottle she almost missed Garrus. He was slid beneath the undercarriage. She thought it would be funny to surprise him, so as quietly as she could she crept up and gave his foot a kick.

There was a clang, then an _ow,_ before Garrus slid back out from under the mako rubbing his the plates above his left eye. “Oh, Hey Shepard.”

“Hey” She cringed a little while handing him the bottle. “Sorry, Didn’t mean to startle you. Well…” She shrugged weakly, “I did but... That's not going to leave a mark is it?”

“This?” He touched the side of his head. “Nah, I’ve had worse than a bump on the head.” Instead of waiting for him to stand, she decided to sit. “I knew working with a spectre would be better than life at C-Sec.” he continued.

“Is that sarcasm I hear, Mr. Deadeye?”

Garrus laughed a little. “Are you going to keep trying to make that stick?”

She gave another noncommittal shrug. “Maybe. You ever work with a spectre before?”

“Well, no. But you’re free to make your own rules, handle things your own way. At C-Sec, not a chance. Too many rules, protocols, procedures, bureaucrats, politicians.”

“Yea, I suppose this does have its advantages.”

“Exactly my point, If I’m trying to take down a suspect, it shouldn’t matter how I do it, as long as I do it. I was just tired of everything, needed a new perspective. C-Sec’s handling of Saren was typical. I just couldn’t take it anymore.” He sighed. “Honestly, I do hate leaving…”

“I know what you mean, I’ve thought about leaving the military myself, but I think I’ve just gotten used to all this. Still, I think you did the right thing. Life’s… too short to sit around waiting for things to happen.” There was something about the look in his eyes that said he’d noticed her hesitation. Inwardly, she scolded herself. She didn’t need to burden anyone with her hang-ups.

“Yea, you’re probably right. And without C-Sec looking over my shoulder, well, maybe I can get things done my way for a change.”

“As long as you stay sharp and do what I need you to do, you can handle things however you see fit. I’m not going to try to tell you how to do things unless I think it’s important.” In a moment of weakness, she was unable to keep herself from adding. “Just… stay alive.”

“Thanks, Commander. By the way, about that ast---”

The was a crackle over the speakers then Joker’s voice. “We are approaching the drop point on Therum. Estimated drop time 15 minutes.”

Shepard stood and then offered Garrus a hand up. “Guess that's our cue. Garrus, get the mako lined up. Wrex, Garrus, you’re with me again. I’ll meet you back down here in 5.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The bring down the sky DLC was actually what originally spawned this ticking time bomb of a story in my head. Shepard's regret over Torfan, how her actions could have/might lead to the deaths of hundreds of thousands of innocents. How she couldn't save those scientists. This is what spawned the true narrative of this character and made me start thinking of Shepard as a person rather than just a video game character. 
> 
> Feel free to leave me comments and tell me how you think I'm doing. Good or bad. Comments are appreciated.


	12. Ch12 -  Getting to know you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Additional Author notes and thoughts at the end of each chapter.
> 
> Please visit my art blog to see my various works of art: [aduah-art-dump.tumblr.com](https://aduah-art-dump.tumblr.com)

The mission to find Matriarch Benezia’s daughter, Dr. Liara T’Soni, went quicker than expected. Other than running some geth through, which she’d honestly expected, they’d picked her up with little problem. Well, if you could call almost being crushed under a prothean ruin ‘little problem’. Liara had little to offer them other than her assurances that she wasn’t working with her mother, and information she’d already known. There was that bit she’d said about the death of the protheans being a cycle, and the protheans not being the first. She’d file that under miscellaneous for later because she had no idea if it was related to their current quandary.

Liara had requested that they go back to the Citadel so she could pick up some files. Going back to the citadel was a bit out of the way, considering their other two leads, Noveria and Feros, were so nearby. Shepard had nearly rejected that request until she had gotten an extranet message from Nihlus letting her know he’d been released from care.

Since they had a little time to kill on their way back to the citadel, Shepard decided she would find a chance to do a little investigating of her own. Garrus watched her too keenly and yet she didn’t know much about him beyond what his record had said.

She had seen him in action in Chora’s Den, on that asteroid, and when they’d touched down to find Dr. T’Soni. She was convinced he was a credit to his record. He’d risen in the ranks at C-Sec fairly quickly.

Stirring her food she let herself get lost in thought. He was good, sharp skills. Why C-Sec instead of staying in the military? On top of that, he’d dropped C-Sec at a moment’s notice to help her go after Saren. Most turians took their duties very seriously, even Nihlus was a stubborn bonehead who pursued what he wanted, what he thought was his duty, relentlessly. Is that what this was, a stubborn move to conclude an investigation?

* * *

 

Shepard was sitting at the mess table, pushing her food around on her plate while looking at a holo-pad. It seemed more like she was staring through it, rather than the contents on it.  “Hey, Shepard…” Garrus raised his hand in way of greeting, but she didn’t seem to notice. “Shepard…?”

“Hmm? What?” She looked up and blinked at him a couple of times. “Oh, Hey, Garrus. Did you need something?”

He shook his head. She looked tired, a little weary. Perhaps a little lost. “You seem distracted.” He sat in the chair cattycorner from her.

“Yea maybe a little, I was just…” She paused as if her mind had started to wander before giving her head a little shake and focusing back on him. “I was just thinking. That's all.”

“What about? Do you want to talk about it?” Every time he saw that look, he felt like he wanted to be the one she’d unload on. He knew being a leader wasn’t easy, and he had a lot of respect for her and the experiences that came with what he’d read in her record. He was there when they had boarded the Normandy for the first time after she’d became a spectre. Shepard was less than pleased at the fact that Captain Anderson had been ‘promoted’. Garrus wasn’t sure if it was because she thought Captain Anderson deserved it more or if she thought she deserved it less. Maybe it was some other reason altogether.

She looked around and he followed her eye movements; There were several members of the crew around. “No… not really.” She heaved a sigh and put down her holo-pad.

“We could go somewhere more private.” He suggested. When her face changed to a sly grin, he knew he’d misspoke.

“You tryin’ to get me alone Vakarian?” She wiggled her eyebrows up and down and then leaned forward putting her head on her hand.

“What? No, I uh, I didn't mean…” Nervously he retreated back into his chair. Her change in mood was a little abrupt and it threw him on his back foot.

“Calm down Garrus, it was a joke.” Shepard pushed her blonde her hair out of her face and leaned back in her chair.

“Oh, right, sorry. It's just, ahh, a little odd being on a ship with mostly humans…” He admitted. “Not that I have a problem with that... it's just…”

“It's just you’re not used to being surrounded by humans.” She finished his sentence with an understanding nod.  “I can’t imagine we’re a whole lot like a ship full of turians.”

He considered her for a long moment. “No, Well… Yes and no.” he amended “A soldier is a soldier. Your crew knows how to run a tight ship… comparatively.  You, on the other hand, you’re not quite like any turian commander. I can’t quite figure you out. I’ve noticed you don't seem to mind turians so much, why is that?”

“Is it common practice for you to spend a lot of time thinking about your CO?” When his mandibles fluttered, she added with a small chuckle. “Just a joke, again.” She contemplated his question for a long while. “Well, what has a turian ever done to me or any alien for that matter…” When he didn’t immediately reply she continued.  “Sorry, _alien_ is probably rude, I didn't mean it that way”

“Oh, no, I was just thinking… We all have our own biases and stereotypes for other species. It's just part of being part of the galactic community. But, I don't think I've met many who simply didn't care; Well, to the extent of easily letting them aboard their ship.”

“Easily? Once I was given spectre status I was given access to all the records of individuals I’d ever need. I’ve just learned to come to my own conclusions, deal with people on a case to case basis. Some people are great, some… aren't. Not much different from humans when you dig to the root of it.” There it was that look of sorrow again. It looked so out of place. While he wouldn't exactly call her happy go lucky, she did at least always try to mask it in some way or another. It made him want to protect her, not by just watching her back. The notion felt ridiculous and out of place.

He resisted the urge to ask her if she wanted to talk about it again, and was about to change the subject when she did instead. “Why did you want to be a C-Sec officer in the first place?”

The line of thought seemed like a completely different direction, it gave him pause. His reasons for joining C-Sec wasn’t something he’d given deep thought about in a long time. More recently he’d been asking himself that same question without giving the answer any real heed. What _were_ his reasons for joining C-Sec? It all seemed so novel now. He felt jaded. “Hmm, that’s a good question. There were several reasons, I guess.”

“Yea? What reasons?” She seemed genuinely interested. People often ask but don't actually care to know.

“Probably the same as most officers. I wanted to fight injustice, wanted to help people.”

“Are you telling me you're a romantic? You hope to make the world a better place?” Her tone and her expression would have told him she was mocking him, but the key was in her eyes. They always gave her away. He couldn't quite read them, but something kinder than mockery was there.

“Well… I guess my father had something to do with it. He was C-Sec. One of the best. I grew up hearing about his accomplishments or seeing his picture on the vids after a big arrest.”

Garrus had expected a snarky response but her silence instead made him feel self-conscious as the ship quietly hummed around them. She wasn't looking at him anymore, she was staring into the murky liquid of her coffee cup, looking as if she were a million miles away.

“Why did you join the military?” He fidgeted. His need to fill the awkward silence got the best of him. “Shepard?”

“Huh? Oh, no reason really. What did he think?” Shepard gazed back up at him as her fingers traced the rim of her cup.

While he watched her finger nimbly trace the smooth rim of the glass he lost all train of thought. Her hands seemed so small and dexterous compared to his own. More fingers than he could imagine manipulating. He wondered what they felt like. “What?”

“Your father, you said he was Csec. What did he think about you coming to help track down Saren?”

It took him a moment to recover what he’d been thinking about before. What had they been talking about? “Oh... He’s taken my resignation pretty hard.” His gaze flicked back down to her hands, but they had stopped their previous motion. Disappointment rang in his sub-vocal range.

“Are you saying he's not impressed you're pursuing your investigation?” She looked at him with intense curiosity.

“My fathers a C-Sec man to the bone. He’d always say ‘Do things right, or don’t do them at all’. He thinks I'm being too rash too impatient; he's worried I’ll become just like Saren. He actually talked me out of becoming a spectre when I was younger for the same reasons.”

“You were asked to be a spectre?” Her eyes focused him sharply as if trying to determine if he were telling the truth. He might have been affronted by the look, but he knew humans didn't have the honor afforded to them as often as turians. Well, even at all, since she was the first.

“No,” He rubbed the fingers together on one of his hands, “I was targeted as a possible spectre candidate. Me and about a thousand other turian military recruits. I could have had extra training, but my father didn’t like it.” Involuntarily, he recalled that conversation with his father. He'd been so excited, proud of himself and proud at how he'd excelled. He’d thought his father would have proud of him too. Instead, he'd gotten a lecture about rules, duty, and responsibility.  “He despises the spectres. He hates the idea of someone having unlimited power with no accountability. He wouldn’t like you commander, no offense.”

“Spoken like a true c-sec officer.” Her voice was softly apologetic but seemed to hold no surprise in that someone who’d never met her might not like her.

“Yea, it’s a speech I’ve heard one too many times…” he trailed off. “Saren’s not going to play by our rules. C-Sec’s rules. If you want to nail Saren, you need to send someone who isn’t restricted by policies and procedures.”

He’d expected a fiery response from her like she’d given in the past, but she only nodded and with a carefully measured tone said. “We’ll beat him at his own game. It’s the only way to stop someone like him.”

Garrus sat there in silence for a moment, debating if the conversation was over. He didn’t want it to be over. He wanted to know more about her. “So… do you know many turians?”

She looked at him and tilted her head a bit as if watching him, puzzling out his intentions. “Know of, or are friends with?” He realized the question was rhetorical when she continued without giving him a chance to reply. “One… well, two, if I include you,” she confessed.

He didn't know if he was more surprised she had two turians she considered friends or the fact she considered him one. It was just a feeling he had, but he had the feeling she didn’t consider herself friends with a lot of people. “Oh? Who's the other?” He tried to act nonchalant, he couldn’t tell if he was succeeding.

“Awfully nosy Vakarian.”

“Sorry... I… wasn't trying to pry.” He rubbed the side of the plates on the back of his neck.

“Garrus, you're too easy. I'm just teasing again” She leaned forward toward him, a lot closer than she had before.“And yes, you were. Pretty sure it's that staunch detective in you. Can't leave a case unsolved.”

Flustered, he decided to stand to give her some space. It wasn’t his intention to make her uncomfortable at all. Though, given his own response, he was probably more nervous than her.

“Wait,” she reached out to grab him, her touch was light as she grabbed his arm, but it felt like an anchor. “I don't mind, it's not really a secret… My other friend is a turian by the name of Nihlus Kryik.”

He recognized that name, he knew Nihlus is a spectre. Things started to drop into place, “Was Nihlus the spectre who was with you on Eden Prime?”

“Yea...You know who Nihlus is? Wait… how do you know about Eden prime?” Her face twisted into a puzzle that made his mandibles flick out with a smile.

“Ah, about that… well, I needed every scrap of information I could about Saren...”

“Including classified human military reports?”  She’d raised a brow as she asked. Garrus really liked that expression, it personified her. Then he’d noticed she still hadn’t moved her hand from his arm as she curled her fingers a little, he was becoming hyper-aware of the touch though he couldn’t feel it through his armor.

“C-Sec” he offered with a shrug as if it were some kind of explanation. He needed to change the subject. If she knew he’d gotten a hold of her military record too, he didn’t know how she’d react and he didn’t want it to harm her opinion of him. “How long have you been friends with Nihlus?”

There was a moment of time where Shepard sat silent, just staring at her hand on his arm. Garrus couldn't tell if she was thinking or hesitant. He had just been about to ask if he'd gone too far when she responded.

“5 years…” She glanced back at her holo-pad briefly.

It clicked.  Suddenly it all fell into place. He'd wondered why she was so bent on tracking down Saren. Originally he thought maybe it had something to do with the geth, or maybe because of the human colony on Eden Prime. But that wasn't it at all. It was because of her loyalty to a friend.

The revelation struck him with the strangest sense of warmth. _Who are you really, Shepard? To go so far for a friend..._

Her laugh tore him from his thoughts. “You know it's rather funny, you're like the opposite of Nihlus. If I ever heard him stammer, I'd never let him live it down.”

“What? I-I don't stammer, Shepard.” His joke was deliberate and it achieved exactly his desired effect. She smiled brilliantly at him. A genuine smile that he'd never seen from her before, it nearly blew him away. “You should smile like that more often.”

Her smile vanished, she withdrew her hand and slowly her face turned red. _Damn,_ he’d meant to give her a compliment not make her angry.

She stood suddenly. “Uh, thanks for the chat Vakarian. I should go… I, uh, have a report to write.” She practically tripped over herself making the short distance to her quarters.

How odd, she didn't seem angry. Was he wrong?

_Damn._  At that moment he’d realized he’d forgotten to tell her about Dr. Saleon again. He smiled to himself. He was looking forward to their next conversation.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long. I often write in advance in chunks. So I needed to readapt this a little to fit in the cannon conversation. I was going to write more but the chapter had already become quite long so that will have to wait for the next chapter. 
> 
> Feel free to leave me comments and tell me how you think I'm doing. Good or bad. Comments are appreciated.


	13. Ch 13- Is that the sound of your soul?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Additional Author notes and thoughts at the end of each chapter.
> 
> Please visit my art blog to see my various works of art: [aduah-art-dump.tumblr.com](https://aduah-art-dump.tumblr.com)

 

 

# Entry 5

**Entry Author:** Cmdr. Janey Shepard  
**Spacedate:** Whatever, 2183

What the hell. Why did I run away? What a stone cold warrior you are Shepard. You conquer everything, but run from a compliment? But, was that a compliment? Or was Garrus trying to tell me I am too serious?

I don’t think I’ve ever had someone tell me I should smile more. I mean, Nihlus has told me to stop looking like I had just eaten rotten varren meat, but that's not the same thing.

I wanted to know more about him, Garrus, but then he mentioned his dad… Such a thing shouldn’t make me bitter, I’m an adult now and I never knew my parents anyway. I don’t even know if they are alive. They’re probably dead… Just like everything else.

I could tell that his dad’s approval means a lot to him. Or at least that's what it looked like. I bet it’d be nice to have the approval of a parent, to have their confidence in you…

…

… It does feel nice to at least have Anderson’s confidence… I think he’s the only one who believes in me. I don't even believe in me. I’m not going to let him down though. I’ll show him (and that bastard Udina), that Anderson’s confidence in me isn’t for nothing…

And then there is Nihlus. I can’t imagine what it’d feel like to have someone who you looked up to, and considered a friend, betray you. I guess that's probably why I don’t let myself get too close to anyone. Opening yourself up only leads to more wounds.

Heh, I told Garrus I considered him a friend… I… don’t think that's a lie. He seems honorable and reliable. Maybe he just kind of reminds me of Nihlus. Though probably way more honorable and reliable. Nihlus is a bastard. A glorious bastard though… A loyal bastard. The best kind of bastard to have as a friend.

…

I just reread through this entry, I should get better at writing… You’d think I would be with all the reports I’ve written. Well… Whatever. It's not like anyone other than me is going to read this shit.

Shepard slid the chair out from her terminal and felt her face. It was still warm. With a sigh, she walked over and smiled mechanically gazing at her reflection in her mirror. _Garrus said I should smile more,_ she mused, _I don't know why; this is kind of scary looking._ She raised her hands to the sides of her mouth and pushed the corner of her lips higher before dropping her arms to her side with a scowl instead.

She sat, then laid back on her bed with her arm over her face. She had just been thinking about Garrus when it seemed like he’d appeared out of nowhere. As if her thoughts had summoned him. An image flashed in her mind of Garrus appearing out of thin air with a spark of fairy magic like in one of those fantasy movies. The thought sent an eerie chill down her spine. She removed her arm from her face and stared at her hand, contemplating what it would be like if magic existed. _Get your head together Shepard. A lot of crazy things exist in the galaxy, but not that. Most fairy tales have grim endings anyways._

The train of thought led her down a rabbit hole of emotions that suddenly left her feeling adrift. So, carefully, she kneeled and withdrew a faded ragged case from under her bed. When she felt like this there were few things that helped her. She clicked open the locks on the case and with a rueful smile and withdrew a white electric cello. She had picked it up on earth a long time ago —on a whim really— in an alley market in Italy. It was collapsible and self-tuning, perfectly compact enough to carry with her. Originally it had sounded absolutely awful, but it was cheap and she didn’t know any better. The thought of her playing the thing had been novel at the time. As a kid she’d never laid eyes on a real instrument, never even heard one being played. It wasn’t until after she’d looked up vids on how to play it that she realized how terrible it sounded. She was amazed at the warm sound a real wooden cello produced. That soothing sound was what spurred her to learn. The cheap cello did at least stay in tune like the dealer had said it would, but the sound was tinny and hollow.

Even with the sound, the instrument had become a miracle to her. It helped her express the emotions she felt incapable of expressing. Slowly through the years, she upgraded it; first the digital speaker, then the strings, then the VST software so it produced a more authentic sound. She maintained it with the same care she maintained the omni-tool she found when she was a child. It was now an irreplaceable part of her.

So much had happened recently that she’d nearly forgotten about her cherished possession. “Hello, old friend. I’m sorry for neglecting you.” She ran her fingers over the body before expanding it and turning it on letting the mechanism tune itself. She sat on the edge of the bed and ran the bow over the string. At first, she cringed; she had gotten rusty. But slowly she let herself fall into the music.

* * *

 

After his conversation with Shepard, Garrus sat there for a while. Originally he had come to the mess to get some food. Instead, he’d let himself get sidetracked by his conversation with her. He couldn’t help but wonder what had her so distracted. He got up, grabbed some dextro rations and sat back down.  

As he too let himself get lost in thought, he heard it. But the truth was he couldn't be sure what he heard. Turian hearing was notoriously less sharp than some other species. At first it sounded odd, like a mechanical misfire. It was alarming, and he thought something on the ship was had malfunctioned— he nearly rushed to engineering— then he realized the low rumble had a melody. He wasn't sure where the sound came from. It seemed as if it echoed through the mostly metallic room. He'd never heard anything like it before.

As he looked around the mess, it seemed as if no one else noted the sound; or if they did they were unsurprised. The room, however, had seemed to grow more quiet. Discreetly he touched his omni-tool to record. Something about what he heard was calming and peaceful yet somber. There weren't exactly words to describe what he heard. The sound stopped abruptly, then started again. Was someone listening to music, changing songs? He enjoyed music, he found he listened to music a lot when he was working, but usually something more upbeat. This certainly wasn't bad, in fact, it was quite lovely. He suddenly found himself cursing turian physiology. He hoped his omni tool was doing a better job at picking up the sound than he was. Because he really wanted to hear it again, perhaps with some ear amplifiers.

He didn't know how long he had sat there before the sound finally stopped with no indication of starting again. With a sigh, he stopped the recording and looked down realizing he'd let his food get cold. It was an odd sensation, suddenly realized he too felt cold— and turians hate the cold. The music was warm, and when it stopped everything else felt cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah~~ I let myself slip. I was engrossed in working on art this past week that I forgot to write. Please forgive me. 
> 
> Feel free to leave me comments and tell me how you think I'm doing. Good or bad. Comments are appreciated.


	14. Ch 14 - Nice gun, I'll take it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Additional Author notes and thoughts at the end of each chapter.
> 
> Please visit my art blog to see my various works of art: [aduah-art-dump.tumblr.com](https://aduah-art-dump.tumblr.com)

When they had gotten to the Citadel Shepard nearly request Liara stay behind. She felt a bit like a science experiment to Liara after she told her about the prothean beacon. Liara’s sudden interest in her kind of creeped her out.

Nihlus's second communication mentioned he had Intel that Benezia was on Noveria; which meant it'd be a good idea to have Liara along since she might prove useful in getting information out of her mother. For good measure, she made Nihlus promise to board the Normandy with them— even if he wasn't one hundred percent and couldn't fight. None of this felt right without him. They’d set up a place to meet up tomorrow before they boarded the Normandy to leave. For now, she had a few things to take care of. She slung her messenger bag across her body and headed toward the wards.

* * *

 

Garrus didn't really have much to do when they'd gotten back to the citadel; he'd taken care of all the major stuff before they had left. His apartment was taken care of, and he didn't feel like dropping by C-Sec. No doubt he'd get ribbed by the other officers about following a human off into space without a moment's notice. Though no matter what his colleagues thought, he knew this was the right decision.

Shore leave wasn’t the right word for their quick stop at the Citadel, even so, he felt a bit antsy. He was used to having no free time between investigations and reports. Keeping busy suited him just fine. What was it that people did on their time off? He pushed himself out of his apartment and found himself wandering down toward Flux. It beat sitting around in his apartment doing nothing. When he saw Shepard in the wards he nearly flagged her down but her conversation over her omni-tool gave him pause.

_Hey. Did you sell the stuff? — Thanks. did you take your cut? — Cool, did you forward me the creds? — Alright, thanks again._

He watched as she leaned up against a particularly quiet wall near the entrance to Flux and dialed on her omni-tool again.

_Hey Hexan. — Yea, it's me. —  Sorry I didn't get the credits sooner. — Yea, I’ll transfer it in a little bit. — No, I can't. — No, I can't, I'm sorry. — Yea, I know they will. — Next time. It will have to be next time. — Don't worry, there will be more creds coming. Just… give them my regrets. — Yea, I know regrets mean nothing. But what else am I supposed to do? I just don't have the time right now. At least this… this should be enough to tide them over… For now.— Yea, ok. Cya._

Garrus didn't like the tone of that conversation. Was Shepard being threatened? Manipulated? Blackmailed? He scanned his memory for the name Hexan; the name didn't pop out to him, but it could just be a proxy. Impatiently he tapped one of his fingers on his omni-tool to search the C-Sec criminal database just to be sure. Also nothing. He didn't feel like skulking around the shadows. And since he felt as if he’d gotten closer to her since he’d met her, he decided he'd just ask her.

“Hey Shepard”

She looked around as if surprised to see him as if checking if anyone else was around. “Hey… Garrus? Surprised to see you around here...”

“What, a turian can't visit Flux?”

“ _You_. Visit Flux? Somehow I didn’t peg you for the nightclub type.”

“I’m full of surprises, I’m sure.”

“Full of them?” She raised her brows in mock surprise.

“What can I say?” He shrugged. Ok, he decided he was bad at small talk. Well, there was bad, then there was this. It wasn’t any wonder why he didn’t really have any close friends.  Small talk always seemed useless. If you weren’t learning something about someone or something, what was the point of the communication at all? “I, uh, heard a bit of your conversation, I didn't mean to eavesdrop. Everything ok? You sounded a bit upset.”

A look of genuine surprised crossed her face, but she recovered and masked it quickly. “Oh, you heard that, did you? I guess you are full of surprises.” She was silent for a beat before she continued. “Yea. Everything is fine. Nothing you need to worry yourself over.”

 _Suspicious._ The denial caused his mandibles to flare. And the look she shot him told him that she had noticed. “You sure?

“Listen, Garrus. I appreciate the concern. I called you a friend, and I mean it, but you really don't have to wind yourself up in all of my business... Or any of it really. But I’m happy for your help with Saren.”

It was suspicious, her response, how defensive she was… how passive she’d made her face. It was all suspicious. All the alarm bells went off in his head. He didn't know if he should trust that instinct or not, it wasn't often wrong.

“Do you… want to have a couple of drinks then,” he gestured toward Flux. “On me.”

“Who am I to turn down some free drinks?” When she replied he couldn’t tell if the small drop in her shoulders— followed by an etch of a smile—  was relief or not.

The thought she might be more pliable with a few drinks had crossed his mind. It wasn’t until a few drinks in that he’d realized how wrong he was. After another two, he realized that he’d made a grave miscalculation. He was definitely feeling affected, while she looked like she hadn't been affected at all like she was just getting started.

“You ok Garrus?” She flagged down the volus, Doran, and paid for the drinks herself— After asking him for a bottle of the strongest levo stuff he had.

“I'm... Fine, Shepard. I said I’d buy drinks. So why are you... Paying for them?” His head spun a little, it was that same feeling you had when you when you had a bit of a concussion. The same feeling but without an invigorating fight beforehand.

“Listen to yourself. You don't drink that often do you? I'd feel like I was stealing from you if I let you pay in that state. It's on me this time. You can pay next time.” Her voice was rife with amusement. “We should get you somewhere comfortable, and I doubt the Normandy would be the most comfortable place for you to wake up with a hangover. You hung on to your apartment, right?”

It took him a long time to answer as he debated his reply in his head. Of course he still had his apartment. He’d left rather abruptly, it didn’t give him much time to do anything with it other than to decide to continue to pay the lease. “Yea, Don’t worry I can get there on my own.”

“Really Vakarian? I bet you couldn’t make it halfway there in this state.”

His mandibles flicked; it probably would take him a long time to trudge back to his apartment, but this was a problem of his own doing. It didn’t feel right letting Shepard drag him back or even use her as a crutch.

“Oh don’t tell me you're afraid of letting a woman see your suave bachelor pad.” He watched as she slid the bottle of alcohol into her bag.

Despite himself, he chuckled. “Alright, you win. But if you are expecting something exciting, try hard to not be disappointed.”

* * *

 

Shepard had no idea what to expect when it came to Garrus’ apartment. But when they first entered she didn’t see much of anything. The apartment was illuminated, just barely, lit from whatever light was streaming from outside. It probably seemed darker since they had entered from a well-lit hall. Garrus didn’t seem to mind the light situation though because he just walked in and waited for her to enter.

“Uh, Garrus… I assume your apartment is nice and all… But its really dark, I can’t see much of anything.”

“Oh, Right. Sometimes I forget that human eyesight isn’t as sensitive as turians.” He walked over to the dimmer near the door and turned the lights up, squinting as his eyes adjusted.

“Welcome to my… What did you call it? Suave bachelor pad.” He adjusted the lights a little lower. She could only assume the alcohol plus the lights were giving him a headache. Surely turians got those, right?

She watched as he went to a kitchenette and poured himself some water before sitting down on a tidy couch. As she looked around she noticed everything else was tidy. It's not to say his apartment was sparse, just very well kept. He had knick-knacks, even models. Miniatures of guns — the kind you found in those capsule machines down in the wards—  military vehicles, ships, there was even a 12-inch tall model of an Atlas mech. It was all so juvenile, but it made her smile.

She was so engrossed in looking at the toys that she hadn’t heard him come up behind her. “I see your lips twitching, Shepard.  I hope you didn’t come up here to laugh at me.”

“Not at all,” she picked up one of the 2-inch guns and pointed it at him making _pew pew_ sounds. “Do you play with these?” She had the most mischievous wicked grin on her face.

“You _are_ laughing at me.”

“Maybe a little”

“And this is why I don't ever invite anyone over.”

“Are you saying I’m the first person you’ve ever invited to your apartment?”

“Well, no. But not many, and only when necessary. Keep in mind, you invited yourself.”

“Well since I invited myself, I might as well make myself at home. Oh, and I’m keeping this.” She looked down at the little gun she was holding. It was an M-98 Widow. It was a pretty rare capsule prize, but she was feeling whimsical and suddenly wanted something of his to remind her of him… Just in case.

When she looked back up at him, he was staring at her. At first she thought he was going to say no —given its rarity, she wouldn’t have been surprised—  but the look he was giving her read entirely different. “Sure, Shepard. You can have it.”

His tone suggested that he’d picked up on her slight change in mood, so she changed the subject and turned away. “You know, It's not quite what I expected.” She slung the bag off her body and put it on his table with a thunk.

“Hmm?”

“Your…” Unexpectedly, as she turned to respond, she ran into directly into his chest. Damn, he moved so quietly when he wasn’t in his armor. She hadn’t heard him come up behind her. _Again._ Her heart actually hammered. The response was so illogical, but this close she could smell him. He had a scent uniquely _Garrus_ , she was uncertain if it were natural or if it was something he washed with. It was a faint fougère with a musky undertone. Just as she was about to finish her sentence he lightly wrapped his arms around her. “You’re still drunk Garrus.”

“Yea. Probably” She felt him flinch a moment before he tightened his hold ever so slightly. “But tell me something. Will you? Down there, before Flux… You’re not in any trouble are you?”

The tone of his voice was neither condemning or probing. It sounded a bit like concern. Given the one side of the conversation he could have heard, that call probably did sound like trouble. She gave out a weak huff of a laugh. She just couldn’t figure out why he’d be so concerned about her business. “Yea, Don’t worry Vakarian. I’m not in any trouble. Maybe one day I’ll let you in on one of my secrets.”

What she felt next from him seemed like a silent sigh of relief before he let his arms fall from around her and took a seat at his table. The loss left her feeling momentarily cold before she suddenly felt like she were on fire. The only rational reason for the change had to be the alcohol. _Yes, that has to be the culprit_. She reasoned with herself.

“The greater bag of holding?” His voice pulled her out of her thoughts

“What?” She glanced down at Garrus and noticed he was examining a tag on her bag.

“Your bag.” He nodded at it “What's in there anyway?”

“Extradimensional space.” His intrigued yet puzzled face made her smile again. She still couldn’t read turians well, even after all the time she’d been friends with Nihlus, but she was starting to see the patterns in Garrus’ facials ticks. “Now” She tried unsuccessfully to stifle a yawn. It was unfortunate, but alcohol still made her sleepy and she started to feel her eyelids get heavy. “As you said, I invited myself… So I’m going to make myself at home.”

She walked over and curled up on that tidy little couch that smelled like Garrus— in the tidy little apartment that smelled like Garrus— then she was out like a light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Come on, can't you see him collecting toys?
> 
> Feel free to leave me comments and tell me how you think I'm doing. Good or bad. Comments are appreciated.


	15. Ch 15 - So, Who's your new turian?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Additional Author notes and thoughts at the end of each chapter.
> 
> Please visit my art blog to see my various works of art: [aduah-art-dump.tumblr.com](https://aduah-art-dump.tumblr.com)

When Shepard awoke the air was permeated with the strong scent of freshly brewed coffee.  There was a moment of confusion as she looked around bleary-eyed, not remembering where she was. Something, from the warm blanket to the unfamiliar yet familiar smell, offset the unease of waking up in a peculiar place. It took spotting Garrus sitting at his table nursing a cup of coffee and looking at his holo-pad, for it all to come back to her.  

_Ah, right. I walked Garrus home, then I fell asleep here._

A quick look at her omni-tool told her it was nearly 7 GST, which meant it was just past 8 TCUT. She had promised to meet Nihlus around 8 GST. While trying to work out the logistics, she rubbed her face in frustration. She really needed to stop translating everything into Terran Coordinated Universal Time while away from earth; everyone else in Citadel space used Galactic Standard Time.

“Oh, Shepard. You're awake” Garrus glanced down at his cup of coffee looking a bit sheepish “Ah, sorry.” He motioned to his coffee. “This is probably rude of me. I only have dextro.”

Slowly Shepard pulled herself up off the couch, letting the blanket slid down her back and dragged her feet heavy tired feet toward his coffee pot. _Ah, right._ The familiar phrase sounded in her head again. _We were drinking._ Without much thought, she poured herself a cup and took a drink.

“What are you doing? You could get sick!”

The alarm in his voice startled her into nearly dropping the mug. She hid her grin at his disbelief from behind the rim of her cup, while she calmly sitting down at the table across from him. For some reason she really enjoyed seeing him flustered, especially since she knew he was was a competent soldier and investigator. Well beyond competent. It was something Nihlus had said once, _The quickest way to understand someone is to see how they react in unexpected situations._ While it hadn’t been her intention —this time— to cause him alarm, his concern was touching, she was used to watching out for herself.

Shepard hadn’t known Garrus that long, but somehow she felt he probably would have made a good spectre. It was really a shame his father convinced him not to try.

“Coffee has very little in the way of protein, which means it actually has very little in the way of amino-acids. Caffeine affects us all the same, well, to varying degrees. I would call it a clever marketing scheme, but I suppose there are people who are allergic. I, however, am not one of those people.” She finished her mini-rant with a small one-sided shrug. “A product of my upbringing I suppose.”

“How do you even know all that?”

“Advantages of having a turian best friend for five years? Oh, speaking of,” She glanced at her omni-tool again. “I’ve got to meet Nihlus at zero eight-hundred. He’ll be coming onto the Normandy with us.”

“He’s out of the hospital already? After nearly dying?” Garrus took and another drink and mumbled, “No wonder he’s a spectre.”

“Yea... “ She couldn’t decide if that tone in his voice held a slight hint of jealousy.  It was probably her imagination just playing tricks on her. She looked him up and down. For the first time she _really_ looked him up and down. Besides last night, it was the first time she’d seen him out of his armor. He was wearing a casual teal colored tank top that showed off his arms and trim turian waist. She was a bit surprised that he was more muscular than she’d expected, a lot more so than Nihlus. Nihlus was a lot more sleek and lithe. C-Sec was most likely a lot more physically intensive than some spectre missions; after all, they helped in emergency situations in the wards as well as their normal patrolling and detective duties. Nihlus excelled at speed and infiltration. Garrus, on the other hand, looked like he could lift her with no problem at all. She bit the inside of her cheek. _Where did that thought come from?_

“... are crazy really”

 _Shit,_ Garrus was still talking to her and there she was, just staring at him lost in thought. She watched as the muscles in his arm flexed as he grabbed his cup to take another drink of his coffee.

“Shepard?”

The rise of his brow plates and an expression she knew was the turian version of a smirk indicated that Garrus had definitely caught her staring. “What? I’m sorry…” She quickly covered her face by taking a drink of her coffee. “I was just thinking that teal is a good color on you... So, are all turians so tough?”

“ _That_ tough? I don’t know, I’ve never taken a shot to the head.”

That scene flashed through her mind again in slow motion, just as she had remembered it. As the figure in her memory turned toward her before being shot, the face alternated between Garrus and Nihlus, not unlike some earlier era horror show. The air around her crackled and then the mug in her hand shattered.

A loud clatter tore her from that horrible place. “Shepard!” Garrus stood with such force that his chair topped behind him. As he grabbed her hand to examine the embedded pieces of glass, his mandibles clacked to the side of his face before flaring wide. “Hold on a sec.” In an instant, he rushed away to a room in the back of his apartment.

She just stared at her hand, not feeling anything at all. It had to have been either the shock of the explosion or how vivid the imagery was, but her hand felt numb. What she saw wasn’t that gruesome, after all it wasn’t the first time she’d been hit with shrapnel, but her palm looked bruised— like several blood vessels in her hand had burst at once. Blood trickled out at every puncture point.

With a sigh, she started to pick pieces out of her hand. Garrus’ voice stopped her.

“Shepard, wait. Let me get it.” Garrus came out of the room with a first aid kit and a towel that looked like it had mopped up its fair share of bloody turians —if the faded blue stains were any indication. Initially, he touched the towel to her face, the unexpected action caused her to jerk her head back. Was her nose bleeding? She raked the back of her good hand across her face smearing the blood to her cheek. Yep, and by the look of it, it wasn’t stopping.

“Do you have any cotton balls in there or something like it?”

Garrus moved the towel to back to her face and dug through the first aid kit with his other hand handing her a fluffy swab of whatever it was that passed for a cotton ball on the citadel.

She pushed the towel away from her face and plugged her nose with the swab.

Garrus gazed at her for a moment before lightly grabbing the wrist of her injured hand pulling it toward him, extracting the pieces of glass. It was odd watching him scrutinize her hand, —presumably to make sure all the pieces were gone— before applying a small amount of medi-gel and wrapping it in gauze. Turians likely had just as much battlefield first aid training as she’d had, including through N7 training, however, it felt like the care at which he was examining her hand was far too much.

When he was done he continued to hold on to the back of her hand as it lightly rested in his palm. “Are you a biotic, Shepard?”

Is that what happened? They explained to her when she joined the military, that if she refused to be implanted, things like this could happen during emotional stress. Had this happened before? She had no idea, but if she hadn’t realized what had happened this time, it was possible she wouldn’t have recognized it any other time it had happened.

Withdrawing her hand from his she gave a defeated shrug. “Yea, sort of. I don’t have an implant or anything.”

“I thought the Systems Alliance implanted all their biotically inclined soldiers for amps.”

“Yea, I refused.”

“Why?”

She shrugged again. “I’d rather not be chemically knocked out and give someone free reign to my body if I can help it.” Her voice was was just above a whisper. Feeling a bit uncomfortable and exposed, she grabbed the towel and started to wipe up the spilled coffee. “Sorry about this.” She nodded toward the mess. Luckily the disaster managed to contain itself on the table and not all over her.

* * *

 

“It's not important as long as you’re going to be ok.” He resisted the urge to draw her into his arms. He’d already made that mistake last night. Sure, he wasn’t entirely in his right mind but it didn’t change the fact that he’d done it. He’d spent the whole morning after he’d woken up admonishing himself for his lack of control.   

He was treading on shaky ground already; he needed to be careful.

Shepard stood from her chair while looking at her gauzed hand. “Thanks, I should go. It’s almost time for me to meet Nihlus.”

“Wait.”

“You sure try to boss me around a lot Vakarian. I thought I was the Commander.” She playfully smiled at him. Her mood seemed to have flipped again. He couldn’t recall having met any other human who was so prone to mood swings. He was unable to tell if she even realized it was happening.

Quickly he produced an alcohol pad from the first aid kit and without thinking wiped it across the blood she had smeared across her face. “I didn’t think you wanted to go out in public with blood all over your face.”

“I can… Oh...” She hastily grabbed the pad from his hand and wiped over the place he’d just wiped, and did then did the same to the back of her good hand. “We’re scheduled to leave at zero nine-hundred. Don’t be late.” She picked up her bag still sitting on the table and without a backward glance walked out the door.

Garrus could only guess what was running through her head at that moment. Her face had been passive again as if she were schooling her features. He didn't like the implications of that. He liked it when she smiled at him. He decided he even liked it when she looked sad. The one thing he was quickly determined he didn’t like was that damnable passive look.

Carefully he picked up the pieces of the mug as he reflected what all had happened over the last 12 hours. Spending some time alone with her had taught him a lot about her. He learned Shepard could drink him under the table and she'd never leave a friend to fend for themselves if she had any doubt they couldn't. She didn't chastise him about this models, which actually left him astonished.  She trusted him enough to just fall asleep on his couch unguarded, he didn’t know if this was a boon in his favor, but he was sure she wasn’t careless to fall asleep just anywhere. What else? She wasn't allergic to dextro. Suddenly he decided he wanted to do more research on the implications of that. She was biotic, though she didn't seem to have any control over it.

Then there was the way she stared at him. Oh, he noticed. He nearly asked her if she liked what she saw, but then he hesitated at the last moment— afraid he might make things awkward between them. He couldn't help but flex his arm a little, though.

The more he got to know her though, the less he seemed to understand about her. One mystery always seemed to lead to another. Sometimes it seemed like she had a split personality. Then again, he was only as versed in humans as he’d needed to be for his job.

* * *

 

Nihlus leaned against a ledge at the place he and Shepard had agreed to meet, watching machines and citadel gardeners work. The council regularly changed the plants on the presidium as a diversity initiative, it just so happened that today was one of the days of the transplantation. He didn’t particularly care about such things, but after spending a few weeks locked in care, he was coming to appreciate the change of smell. There was no smell in his room at Huerta Memorial. The physicians were careful to keep any smells that might offend patients to a minimum. It was unfortunate that they couldn’t account for the distaste the lack of any scent might cause.

He glanced down at his Omni-tool _7:59_.

“Nihlus!” Shepard called to him as he watched her approach.

He smiled to himself. _Right on time._ Shepard was always prompt. Rarely early, and never late if she could help it.

“Hey Nih, I hope I didn’t keep you waiting.” She walked up and gave him a quick hug. He knew she’d chosen this place because there wasn’t usually anyone around this part of the presidium.

“I’m not sure you’ve ever kept me waiting.”

Nihlus smelled it, despite taking in all the new smells being transported all around the presidium this morning, the scent was unmistakable. She hadn’t been scent marked, per se, but he could smell —fairly strongly— another turian all over her. That scent didn’t come from an hour or two of close contact or even from an hour of sex. Turians were a fairly territorial lot, they didn’t just let anyone spend large amounts of time in their personal spaces. Now that he thought about it, in five years, he didn’t think that he’d ever invited Shepard to spend any time in his. Much to his chagrin, he heard a growl find its way into his sub-vocals, which he had to actively tamp down.

The sound was not something he’d ever expected to come from him. He was _not_ possessive, and Shepard by no means belonged to him. He’d made that decision a long time ago. Very rarely did he change his mind, he was far too stubborn for that. Later he would think about the implications of that, but not now. Chiding himself he pushed it out of his mind.

“Me, on the other hand... Well, you’re lucky you weren’t here waiting for an hour. I always keep you waiting.” He finished his thought.

She rolled her eyes. “Oh please, as if you’ve ever kept me waiting that long.”

 _What about 5 years?_ Nihlus knew Shepard had feelings for him at one point. There were a lot of things he knew about Shepard. He often joked with her that he knew her better than she knew herself. But the one thing he didn’t know was if she’d really ever let go of those feelings. He’d bet a thousand credits that she didn’t even know herself. “So, who’s your new turian?”

“What?” She stepped away from him quickly.

His mandibles flicked out in a smirk. “Don’t act like I can’t smell it.”

“Nihlus… I know what you’re thinking right now. You have entirely the wrong idea.”

“Oh? What exactly am I thinking, _Shepard the great mind reader?_ ”

“Listen, I just had some drinks.”

“Oh, we both know what happens when Shepard drinks and meets a turian.”

She gave him a small kick in the shin and let out an exasperated sigh. “You’ll meet my _new turian_ ” she raised her hands giving air quotes. “In little under an hour.”

Nihlus raised his brow plates at this. “Have you gotten into the habit of inviting your dates back onto your ship afterward?”

“You have to be the most ridiculous turian I have ever met. He’s part of the crew that helped me track down the evidence on Saren and he’s had my back ever since we left the Citadel.”

“On your back?”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, Nihlus! We’re leaving at zero nine-hundred. Don’t be late or I’ll hunt you down.” With a decisive glare, she stalked away.

 _Interesting,_ He’d not seen Shepard get so worked up and defensive in a long time. Normally she’d come back at him jab for goodhearted jab. _This will be an interesting mission._ He decided he had _a lot_ to think about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [I imagine Garrus thick like this.](https://aduah-art-dump.tumblr.com/post/176536255330/there-is-no-shepard-without-vakarian) Ok, Maybe I drew him a little more muscley than intended, but damn, beefcake. 
> 
> Feel free to leave me comments and tell me how you think I'm doing. Good or bad. Comments are appreciated.


	16. Ch 16 - So this is him?

Shepard stood outside the dock of the Normandy. 

“You're late” she glanced down at her omni-tool. Clearly eager to get going. 

Nihlus looked down at his omni-tool. The time had just clicked over to two minutes past the hour. The truth was he had shown up late on purpose. 

“I thought you expected me to be late... You're not still annoyed about earlier are you?”

“No. Let's get a move on Spectre Kryik.”

_ Yep still annoyed.  _ He almost itched to apologize to her. He wouldn't, but he felt like he should. He'd been on her bad side plenty of times, So it wasn't that. Usually, it didn't take much to set her back to rights again.

Before they departed for their next destination Shepard held a brief ship meeting. She spoke to the crew with a confidence he’d not been able to witness in person before this moment. He’d had no doubt at all that she could step into the role. 

“Crew, other than some of our newest arrivals you all are familiar Spectre Nihlus Kryik. He will be with us the remainder of this mission. Before our mission on Eden Prime, I noticed some animosity and, or, xenophobia toward Nihlus. It was the same when our other new crew members, Garrus, Tali, and Wrex, came aboard. They are friends and allies. I'm stating this now, up front, before we leave the citadel again: I will not tolerate any xenophobia or ill will toward any of the members of this crew— human or not. This ship is no longer strictly an alliance vessel. I'm giving you the chance to leave now without any repercussions, if you so wish. No hard feelings, I promise.”

When no one spoke up or expressed any desire to leave, Shepard continued. “Good... I'm glad you've all decided to stay. We will win this, we are stronger together” she looked around the room of the gathered crew. “ _ All of us.  _ Dismissed.”

As the crew disbursed, leaving the mess hall empty as they left to man their stations, Nihlus watched another turian approached Shepard. 

“Good speech Shepard. It's a relief that the crew stayed.” The other turian had said with a relaxed mien. There wasn’t any tension, nor was there a strain of command, just an easy air. 

Shepard reached both of her hands to her face and rubbed, letting out a breath Nihlus hadn’t realized she’d been holding. “Yea... Thanks, Garrus. It is. Frankly, I am a little surprised there wasn’t any resistance. But, they are a damn good crew”

That was definitely the scent he noticed earlier. Nihlus strode over and put an arm around Shepard's shoulder in a friendly manner. It was an innocent challenge, but he was curious how the younger turian would react. “So Shep, this is your new turian? Can't believe you replaced me so soon after I nearly died.”

Giving him a sidelong glance he could feel her relax a bit. “Well, Nihlus you're so damn forgettable that I simply forgot you existed.” Of course, she couldn’t stay mad at him. 

“You injure my turian pride.” He watched the other turian—whom Shepard had called Garrus— very carefully. 

Garrus hadn’t seemed to register surprise at their friendship or the casual way he addressed Shepard, though he had taken a half step backward at the intrusion. Nihlus began to wonder how close the two had become in such a short period and how much Garrus knew about him and Shepard. 

Shepard rolled her eyes. “Nihlus, Let me introduce Detective Garrus Vakarian.” she gestured toward Garrus. “Garrus, this is my other weird turian friend.”  She stabbed a finger at Nihlus then turned toward him. “...who I'd appreciate more if he'd stop being an ass. At least every once in a while.”

Vakarian, he knew that name. Not only was his father well known, but Garrus had also made a name for himself. While many turian a were hard working, there were still some who rode the coattails of their well-known parents. From everything he’d heard, Garrus wasn't one of those types. However, he wasn't sure if he was surprised that Garrus left a promising career at C-Sec. Cunning career advancement or naive conviction?

“Oh come on Shepard, would you even like me if I were nice? Being an ass, which seems to be your favorite word for me these days, is my standout quality.” He gripped her shoulder slightly then released it. 

“Hmm... I thought your standout quality was your skill. Come on, We’ve got a few things to discuss.”

“Well, didn't know you wanted my  _ skill  _ to be public knowledge” he gave her a wink to which she just ducked under his arm and walked away. Without additional thought, he turned his back on Garrus and followed her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long delay and the short chapter. I've been suffering writer's block along with other problems.
> 
> I am currently in the middle of writing the next, more substantial, chapter. But I didn't want to continue to leave you hanging. 
> 
> My immense apologies. Thank you for reading.


End file.
